*Resembling a rant - part 2/2
I told Mother Ayahuasca that I will not receive visions. This was about feeling my body (which gave another kind of visuals though, instead of eye-visions, it was just like stomach-visions).
Breathing. Throwing up. I did end up having some quite strange visions. The most intense visual ones came not in ceremony though, but a week after without being on the Ayahuasca, but it kicked in when I heard the Icaros sung to another group beginning their ceremony. And I felt asleep, as if I were REALLY, REALLY drunk out of nowhere. I had some crazy vivid, totally real-feeling, seven inception layered dreams, where I saw my whole life packed into a virtual reality setting, placed in the year around like 2032-47.
I think I saw the Google logo somewhere. Everything I saw were a symbol of something I had experienced, and the symbol was a package of new and old feelings, old impressions and thoughts, and current thoughts about those symbols. Ayahuasca gives you hella intense dreams. This one did not feel like a dream, but like a vision, since it felt just as real as any other waking experience I’ve ever had, the only difference was that I knew it was my mind that created it. I walked around, pinched my arm, tried a skateboard, tried the physics of the water and everything but the water was flawless. The water was a little bugged. I met a female character, and knew it was my self, and I was like “Hoho, let me see how real this is. And I asked her (my self) to have sex with me. And then a window popped up while she was talking, like “You are having an experience to see how the mind mechanisms works, have sex another time ;)”
The only way I could wake up from this dream vision thingie, was to set my self in a cart, and drive over the edge into a black abyss. Then after I dove into the black abyss, there would be like in a movie, rolling credits. In the left side I would see all the characters were me playing them, and in the right side there was like a movie going on about how this dream had worked. First I saw an eye, and I thought something about that eye, then it zoomed a bit out, and I saw an eyelid, and I would think something about that. Constantly I could see how I thought it was either male, female, scarred, healthy etc. I saw how tiny qualities change my whole perspective about what I am seeing.
I woke, and it was like, the middle of the night, and I opened my eyes, slowly, because I wasn’t quite sure if I were still dreaming. I just laid there looking from side to side, and it was very intense. I went outside my hut, and walked a bit onto the jungle paths and was like, holy, holy, holy shit. This reality is equally as real as the one I just dreamt. I kept having the word “Akashic Records” in my head when I woke up. I don’t know what it is. Except some kind of “matrix library”, I still haven’t researched it much, since I felt it was a bit too new-agey for me at the time, but it felt like it was important, at least as a metaphor for something. I might look it up soon again.
At some point during a ceremony, I asked for some visual effects, because I was tired of only receiving extreme body-sensation-stories. And I had heard people were afraid of like, experiencing for example spiders crawling on them during tripping. So I kind of visualised/asked for spiders to crawl out of my mouth and eyes etc. because I didn’t feel scared of that kind of visuals. So I saw crystal clear HD spiders (I don’t have 20/20 vision), crawling on my eyes and winged spiders crawling out my mouth turning into butterflies when they flew away.
I went silent for three days at a time, and only drank water and fresh-made juice: I felt like I had a black hole in my throat, because of eailer throat-related psychological trauma, and I went very sick. Had over 30 blisters in my throat. I kept chugging down the biggest cups of Ayahuasca I could get. Trust me. This shit is tasting like battery acid, it is horrible. People would cry before drinking it, due to the taste. Many would throw a bit up in their throat, when going back to their mattress.
Sometimes fear came up, and I would be terrified. But I would feel the fear is if it were a quality, a state of affair, a scenario for my gaming character. And I would be able to laugh at it. But even the fear felt like it was itself, and by being something, I had to respect it.
Why did you feel it was necessary to stay for so long?
I felt like two month was sufficient. Since it was very expensive to travel from Denmark to Peru, I wanted to get the most out of it, and the environment was awesome. Living in the rain jungle. Jumping and dancing in the rain water. The beautiful night sky. When there where no skies, I could see sooooo many god damn beautiful stars.
Dietas: The first month you couldn’t do “dietas”, but the second I chose a female-dieta, and the third a male-dieta. That means that you will not eat much, drink much, and you will ingest a lot of plant medicine from the shamans, and they will bless it before you do. And then the plants would mix together with Ayahuasca and gives you some more specialized experiences.
Overall, what did ayahuasca teach you? How has it changed your life?
Not one specific lesson. But an example I can give is. The first time I took Ayahuasca, it took fifteen minutes before it kicked in, and everything went dark and all the people around me became like dark shadow paladins, and my head begin to buzz like an alien would sound like. I began to cry and loved that I allowed my self to cry. There are so many god damn meta-layers to a trip like this. Crying is not just crying. Or maybe it’s exactly what it’s about, crying for the sake of crying. Observantly I would cry, while experiencing shit loads of other things. But, one time I asked Ayahuasca, “show me what I need to know”, and that time it didn’t take fifteen minutes to kick in. It didn’t take an hour. Eight hours passed or so before it kicked in. It was like I was being told, “you don’t need my help. You don’t need anything that alters you, but I can give you some speculative help if you keep insisting”.
What information do you think is really essential to know before trying ayahuasca? Learn to breathe! You’re going to need it. Research all you can, maybe for like a year, and if you still want to go, if you’re feeling called. Go for it. It’s being used by kids down at 12 years old, I heard down there. It’s used against drug addictions; it’s used to heal all kind of physical and psychological trauma. But only go there, if you are truly ready to face that time in your past, that feeling in your body that you for all in the world want to run away from. You need to be able to face death. Because you will die several times every night. Begging on your knees to make it stop. Wondering why you were so stupid to take this stupid drug. And then the next night, you are ready again. “Hello, Mother.”.
Watch the movies, research the science. An example of how I would plan to go do Ayahuasca:
Go to a few mindfulness classes; do mindfulness exercises. To get my self going in beginning I just used an app with guided meditations and quickly went to just sit for an hour sometimes and watch exactly how I felt. Not do anything about it, just watch how you react to everything happening, when you try to do nothing. Do some physical self-therapy. Learn to ground yourself. Learn to feel your feet. Feel the weight of the earth that is easily carrying you.
I would sometimes in order to prepare my self, sit in a room for like 6 hours in the dark and listen to weird shamanic music and smoke as much weed as I could. Just breathing in the dark, breathing with the music. Because some trips on Ayahuasca can take up to 12 hours or even more. Hours where you just sit and breathe, and you feel worse than you have ever felt before, and you just want to die and make it over-with. But you are not dying; only mental paradigms of yours are shattering. Old clinging messages from your past are destroyed. Forcefully or gently is up to you and how you interact with Ayahuasca. It is like a female relationship. You can make it stop, if you absolutely want to. But if you say stop before you are absolutely sure, she will just do it harder and fuck you in the ass. By being able to touch the ground with my feet and just breathing and crying, I got through a lot.
Sometimes I would have a few tokens I would touch when I felt I needed that. That was for example the book “I am That”, and “The Power of Now”, and a laminated picture of Leona from League of Legends. I also bound a necklace I got from the shaman, around my fingers and hand, and would touch that, and called through that, to my family line. When I got back home, I gave it to my mother, since I had called upon my family every time I touched that necklace.
Remember that all the pain has great benefits to you, if you go through with it. You will be scared. You will most likely be terrified. That’s good. Dive into it. Breathe into it. You cannot die from this – YOU cannot die.