One of the things that fuels an argument is when a person feels upset and uncomfortable with the other person being upset with them.

One thing you can do to help not add lower/negative energy to an argument is to soothe yourself and lessen your reaction to when your partner is upset with you.


If all you did was not get upset when your partner is upset with you—that as you practice on accepting and being okay with her not being happy with you in that moment—the argument would not escalate and would begin to dissipate. It’s not easy to do at first, but with practice you get better and better at it.


I’m not suggesting you don’t convey your point, but that you can take a couple deep breathes first, think about what you want to as clearly as you can convey, before you share your perspective and how you are feeling.


It is very common that when someone feels judged, not validated or not appreciated, then they negatively react by defending themselves, and/or pointing out the shortcomings of the other. Then, the other person feels judged, not validated or appreciated, then they negatively react by defending themselves, and/or pointing out the shortcomings of the other.

And the cycle continues, back and forth, until both people feel not validated, not appreciated and unloved by each other.

The thing is, when you negatively react and defend yourself, regardless of the words you are saying, what you’re really feeling is, “I felt hurt by what you said. I do not feel validated, I do not feel appreciated for what I do and it made me feel unloved by you. I know you are doing your best, and that you do care about me, but I just wanted you to know how I felt.” 
But, since that message is typically not conveyed, the other person does not hear what you really mean, they hear what you say. And so, the argument goes back and forth between what is being said, but not honestly dealing with the unresolved pain that is truly being felt underneath the words being spoken.