Firstly, nothing is wrong with you. Good things take time and our feelings are indicators that we have something we need to pay attention to- on the inside.
Take your time to figure yourself out. I have been with my SO for 14 years. Every year, he and the kids want to do something with a bunch of people.
It’s never enough that we are together and make our own memories- as a family.
It’s really frustrating for me because I had an extremely toxic childhood- if I could even call it one and my only dream was to create and be in a loving/ safe chosen family.
Instead, I don’t feel like I fit in with my chosen family. I have social anxiety- namely the big crowd fake laughing thing. Not that I’m awkward on the outside- I talk, sincerely. But my energy is almost always immediately zapped when I go on these “experiences” called get together etc.. everyone usually wants to shoot the shit about nothing.... and take great fun in it.
Thus, I never feel I fit in or want to because I just don’t roll like that- I like real talks. Real energy. Not contrived:situational stuff.
“Family” and “friends” call me unfun/ buzzkill and on and on even though I pass no judgement on what they/others like.
The kids and SO spent their ny w/family friends and a crowd, and I was peacefully home with a lit espresso candle and Netflix, a dinner I made...
I did feel joy internally that I didn’t force myself like I had for so many years to do something that actually makes me completely miserable, anxious and drained...
The question of fitting in is still on the table and I have to figure that one out this year. I’ll be 35 soon, and I haven’t lived my life the way I dreamed, yet.
Peace to everyone grappling with some things...