Trigger warning: MENTIONS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE\*
I’m not recovered but I am working on my traits.
I have a very strong fawn/fight response. I have all 4 types but this combination seems to be one of the responses that dominate the most. It is basically a reenactment of the Karpman drama triangle (https://i.imgur.com/uQBqwug.jpg). Codependency is complex and has many layers. I would be a victim in the sense that I was being abused, as a result I would try to rescue and caretake for others because I couldn’t fix myself. Then get mad and blow up on people (persecutor and fight response) if they weren’t taking my help.
As a child and teenager, I was reinforced with the idea that my needs were not important. As a result I developed a strong fawn response and would put others needs above mine. But at the same time I would get frustrated that no one was taking me seriously so I would fight people (fight response). Meaning, violence, screaming, yelling, manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting, controlling others. I even displayed the traits of covert narcissism. Etc. It was the Karpman drama triangle in a sense.
I would even take positions of authority (moderator, etc) to do the rescuer and persecutor role on others. I have decided to stop doing that and to work on myself.
I grew up with very codependent friendships. I believe it was because a part of me found that it was necessary for survival. I would spend 24/7 with them and we were glued to the hip. That was because if I did that. I would be away from my abusers. As a child, I would always be at my friend’s houses, as a teenager since I got isolated from them. It was an online friendship and I would always be playing games/etc and calling them whenever I was home. Literally sometimes, I was so afraid of being separated from this person, we would have the call running even if we weren’t present. These friendships were full of dysfunction, so I stopped engaging with them.
Codependency for me has been like an addiction. Right now since I stopped engaging with my codependent traits. I am having a huge withdrawal effect. I actually miss it, I miss everything. But I know these feelings will pass and eventually my brain will rewire itself to being used to non-codependent friendships. I started to seek the answers internally, focus on myself, stop putting others needs above mine and seek more interdependent friendships.
It’s like riding a bike with gear in vs freewheeling. But the bike decides where it wants to go.
Dealing with codependency has been a very complex journey for me. Since starting healing I actually repeated the dynamics of codependency a few time, I believe the concept is “repetition compulsion. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition\_compulsion)” But as a result of those situations, despite them being very unfortunate situations. I learned better boundaries and how to prioritise myself more. Most of my unlearning had been through practice and basically just going out there. It is unfortunate I had to learn this way, I should’ve learned it the good way: healthy parenting. But nope it wasn’t. Before I couldn’t say a simple “no.” Now I say it with ease but it took a lot of practice and guidance with people who respect/affirm my boundaries. I am very intentional with this now and I’m very careful. I try to trust my instincts too. If something feels weird, I try to sit with it
I will say though since I started advocating for myself, setting boundaries and working on my codependency. I have lost A LOT of people. I lost my entire biological family and some friendships I held dearly. It has been very lonely and painful. But I would rather have it this way as being with them was more painful. One of my friends once told me that I'm just making space for better friendships and relationships, that in time they will come.
A lot of it for me is just connecting with my inner children and teenagers. Identify their core needs and beliefs. One of the reasons why I act codependent is because I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be seen and heard. Thats it. So I sought them in the ways I knew how. People pleasing, fighting people, codependent friendships with blurred boundaries, trauma bonding and enmeshment. Now I realise that I am an adult now. I can provide that for myself. Through reparenting, through being with those parts of myself. Its not a pretty process, I have emotional flashbacks and nightmares a lot, on a daily basis even. I even have a chronic illness because of everything. If you can get a complex trauma therapist that you trust enough to help you with this, that would be great. I’m not in therapy right now as I have a lot of trauma and pain from therapy. So I am not going back for now. Maybe in the future though. But honestly most of this healing work I've done, has been done with peer support, through engaging in groups like this.
Honestly writing my whole process with codependency is difficult in one post. I am still working on it on a daily basis. So here are some resources that have personally helped me:
Apologies
Karpman drama triangle:
