This week is rough. Since I started therapy 2.5yrs ago I slowly build a walking routine. It's one of the only healthy coping mechanisms I've got and it has solidly dragged me through this working-from-home hell that is this pandemiclife.

Unfortunately I hurt my back. It started 2 years ago, with an acute painful episode. Got better. Then happened again a year later. So I went to a physical therapist, but was unable to really actively engage because I was still not healed enough. I dissociated. Didn't ask questions. Didn't explain what I needed (more support). Then it got bad again in December, and now I've been dealing with near constant backpain for months and since about 2 weeks it's impeding my walks. After talking in therapy for weeks about seeing a PT again, I did this week. It felt like such a victory. I disclosed my situation with trauma/overhwelm and explained what I needed (very simple exercises and some support).

So, I am very happy with that, but honestly I'm mostly just bummed. I hurt. I can't walk the way I usually do (3x1hr a day). And if I had dealt with this sooner, it wouldn't be so bad. And also, the PT massaged a muscle (psoas) and I had a very strong emotional reaction hours later (thankfully had therapy that day so I could talk about it). Which is affirming for me the idea that I need to start doing some sort of somatic/bodywork. But it's scary.

It's just a rough few weeks. I cancelled a friend I'd see 2 Sundays in a row because I can't be up more than 30 minutes. But I live alone, so I really need my Sunday-social-time because I see no one besides my therapist during the week. Unfortunately my social life is not local (all friends live in another city).

So. I feel like I've taken 10 steps back. I want to be active. Social. Healthy. But instead I'm just vegetating waiting for the pain to get less.