Considering suicide. Any thoughts on my situation?

Having come close to suicide myself and recently loosing a very close friend to it without knowing or being able to do anything about it, I'll do my best to try and give you a different perspective.

I don't know if it is a similar experience for you, but for me the feeling of constant pain, inner turmoil, uselessness and utter hopelessness was what drove me to the brink. The inability to do anything about it and the aching desire for it to just go away and end drove me right to the brink when I had a realization I'll share with you.

Quite honestly having people say you have so much to live for and do in life is useless and only makes it worse because all you can see is the continuation of the very same pain and misery that brought you to that place in the start. It's an endless cycle that only made me feel trapped.

What helped bring me round was an epiphany I had one day while considering how I was going to kill myself:

"You know what if I'm about to kill myself, fuck it, I may as well do something so completely wild and out of the norm because what else do I truly have to loose."

Ultimately I ended up joining the army and have since gone on to have a great career and do the most amazing things I would never have seen myself doing, like parachuting out of airplanes and rappelling out of helicopters in the middle of the night and surviving blizzards in the arctic. I also went from feeling like someone no girl would ever find attractive or appealing to falling in love with a fantastic girl who appreciates me the way I am and has truly given me a real connection and the will to live again.

I know it sounds cheesy but looking at a near suicide as a fresh start and running away to a new reality and surroundings actually saved my life. I feel the army was especially good in my case because it has the immediate effect of plunging me into an entirely new world where I could distract myself from my problems and just absorb myself in my work. I think it's especially important for INTJs to have an external challenge and problem to overcome that you can channel all of your energy and attention into.

Ultimately saying "Fuck it I'm going to die anyways," before plunging myself into a new world distracted and focused me long enough that I found a will to live and a frame of mind to overcome my depression. I'm not saying that it will make the pain go away or allow you to run away from your problems. What it will do, is help you live long enough to find a reason to live and a way to cope and live with your problems. You won't find these by searching, but rather by accident from the most unexpected places that you never knew existed until you stumbled upon them by allowing yourself to wander.

I wish I could elaborate on this better and have never really been able to fully describe my own experience. If you have any questions let me know!

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