It's understandable that you're scared and want to bolt. It sounds like you want to protect yourself, which is a natural reaction for many. My advice is to take care of yourself, find a support system, and do what you can to prepare, but don't leave.

To have the support of loved ones and close friends when we're dying is all we can hope for at the end. It sounds like you care about this person very much, which is probably why you're so afraid to face the situation. However, when he passes away, you're going to feel pain no matter where you are. Because of this, I encourage you to honor your feelings and your friendship. Try to be brave for him as he goes through this transition. It is probably helping him more than you know.

When I was in high school, I had an acquaintance who went through years of cancer treatment and eventually passed away. Many of my good friends were very close with him, and a best friend of mine was dating him. At various points, each friend had their own difficulties staying strong, but they stayed. His death was very sad and difficult, and my best friend had an especially challenging time. I think they even broke up, but it was a decision they made together. None of us were privy to their agreement. He had much bigger things on his plate. She stuck around as a friend. Even though it was so hard at the time, I remember moments of great joy and gratitude. Everyone was scared, of course, but we all focused on supporting one another and making sure that our friend felt loved.

We all feel lonely sometimes - it's the human condition. I can't imagine how it must feel to be both lonely and facing death. We have no control over these things, but we do have control over whether or not we give our loved ones care and compassion in their dark moments. I can say with certainty that you will never regret doing what you can to help your friend feel loved during this time.

That being said, be good to yourself too. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling afraid. I also remember some of my friends feeling guilty when we were having a good time or when we were doing normal high school things that our friend couldn't attend. We were lucky in that our friend explicitly told us to stop feeling bad! He wanted us to live our lives too! Part of what helped was taking time to step away from the situation and remember that I still had to study and continue my life. My friends who were closer to them had to remember that they couldn't be around every second of the day, and no one expected them to be. He didn't want us to burn out because of his illness.

Good luck. Life is very difficult sometimes, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Your friend is lucky to have people who care about him, and it's good that you have the capacity to care about others. Like I said, I think the fact that you feel like running away means that you must care a lot. Big hug.