We're pretty much fucked and our DM is being generous to us because we've only been playing like 25 minutes and it's our first time playing ever, so I don't think he'd let us try this again, but everyone else has rolled really low numbers and I'm last and don't have a weapon:

Me: "I piss in the goblin's mouth while holding his nose in an attempt to drown him" DM: "... sighs... Fine... If you roll a 19, you will piss in the goblins mouth long enough to drown him, otherwise, no damage, and the goblin's attack will do extra damage next turn as he's pissed off that you've pissed in his mouth and if you roll less than 5, he's going to bite your dick and I will roll every turn to see if it gets infected"

rolls 20

The dnd gods spoke

DM did not want to play with us again. It went very downhill from there.