Had a really shitty day yesterday. I just really need to dump some anxiety here. Trigger warning i guess.

So for some reason I decided to be in a local musical for the first time. On top of it being my first time. I am also using my "male" singing voice. Since I started transitioning (its been almost a year now!!!) and training my voice it really bugged me I couldn't sing the way I used to. Ive done years of choir and at one point I had pursued being a professional vocalist. It was weird. It made me sad that I couldnt sing or talk like a woman but I also was sad that I couldnt sing in my "male" voice again but when I sang in my male voice it gave me dysphoriaa.....GAH! at the beginning of this year I had finally gotten to a point with my voice that I was satisfied with. But I still really wanted to sing. Even though I didnt make it to Oberlin/Carnegie I still wanted to be in a musical of SOME kind. So I went FUCKIT and auditioned. So here we are now and the anxiety is REAL! Im having a hard time memorizing music. I cant do choreo worth shit and cause I auditioned as a hip-top dancer (freestyle poppin,jookin,etc) they expect me to be able keep up... and the worst part is I am OUT TO EVERYONE. Even people I dont know T___T nor did I personally tell ANYONE but the two directors.. Another problem is my little brother is in it and I constantly misgender MYSELF. I am so used to referring myself as his "brother" that I have had numerous embarrassing flubs. AND the staring from the little kids oh god.. And this is just the rehearsals!! ugh well that had no direction but i feel better. the therapist in me says "these are good experiences for you. They will help you learn to socliablahabalggetyououtofyourshell" but the foreal me is going "F********************************************."

However, for anyone who is curious, after I figured out my "female" voice I was able to slowly learn to sing with that voice. I can pretty much do it but I am still working on it.

Things are better today in part because last night I had a steamy dream where a blasian guy asked me out. Dont ask why but I distinctly remember he was a hot blasian for some reason... but it was very romantic :o