3. Dear lonely people of Reddit, how are you?

Dear lonely people of Reddit, how are you?

Whelp.. I really feel like the longer im living the harder it is. I just tell myself that I'm feeling happy to stray away from me knowing I'm actually suffering depression.. I want to get away from it so much. I do any thing and everything I can. I play games so I distract myself from feeling like nothing. My family is in a broken place right now and that's the only reason I didn't kill myself yet. My mom has told my sister she wanted to kill herself because she lost nearly everything and is stuck in debt and my sister told me and the reason she hasn't yet is because she's just living for me and my little brother. (mom lives with me and Little sister ). I found out my father is slowly creeping into depression because a letter I found and I've had told my sister (she lives with him) that she should keep an eye on him. I haven't been to school in 5 months and I have a couple of more months toll I finish HS and I had a call from my school yesterday and I know that I'm going to fail. I just don't feel anything anymore but I try to as happy as I can but it only last a couple of minutes at a time. I have no motivation at all. I feel like doing anything has no point. I lost my friends but one and his kind of in a depressed state as well. I did try to kill myself with a knife before until my sister walked into the room and I just said that I was trying to replicate the stab in combat arms. That night I cried so much and regret my actions because I thought what if(and will) happen if I did kill myself that day my little sister would've seen it all. I cried so much that night I just didn't know when I fell asleep. I love my little sister more than anything as well as my family I would never want them to know the feeling of a child killing themselves. It goes full circle. I just think that if I kill myself than my mom would as well and my dad will fall into depression so quick that my sister could not even stop it. On Tuesday I'm going to have to have 'a talk' with my schools attendance (5 months absence) and I don't know what to do. I also have trust issues and the reason I'm so fucked up now was because I remembered everything that happened to me as a child. My cousin showed me her dad's port tapes and molested me. I just.. Want it to be all over but it'll ripple down on my family. I'm just so scared.

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