I can pretty much guarantee I'm only alive because I eventually got medicated. I know it's repeated a lot but it's worth saying again. Have you reached out to a doctor? It is the hardest thing right now to do anything for yourself. Even coming here and being open was hard. Which proves you can do hard things.

If access is the issue, would you mind talking through dm about options? I had to fill out forms and stuff which sucked but I was able to get through them. Now I have medication and after a few months, I've been able to control the rage and the tears.

It feels like it's driving you now. It's easier to let it continue driving despite the pain sometimes. Remember you can do the hard things.