Alright, gather around keyboard warriors, it's story time.
This is the story about the time that I shit my pants in the NYC Times Square subway.
So this is easily within the top three P4P worst things to have ever happened to me personally. While it's easily the best story I have and my favorite story to tell, very very few people know this story because, well, I shit my pants and that's super embarassing.
Okay, here goes.
First and foremost, let's everyone get up to speed. I'm currently 28 years old, I'm working and living in NYC and doing pretty okay for myself, I'm originally from a super small town, and I have a gluten allergy.
Now. Everyone that's ever asked someone with a gluten allergy what their symptoms are, you probably heard something like "Oh I get dizzy, and get a headache, and a stomachache." Which is probably all true, but it's not the whole truth. The whole truth would be "I got about T-minus 20 minutes to take a super violent diarrhea shit, and whether or not I hit that 20 minute window, I'm going to be super constipated and super gassy for a whole week."
On top of this, just take this into consideration; a person that has a gluten allergy has mal-absorption problems. This means that food that they eat doesn't necessarily get absorbed like it's supposed to, so there's a good chance that the food that you ate the other day is basically sitting and rotting in your stomach for a few days.
As you can imagine, this makes for horrendously foul farts, and let's not forget constipation. Gross farts/poops + constipation. Think about that for a second.
So let's go back to the year 2012. I had JUST started working in NYC and I had JUST landed my very first big-boy office job. At this time I did NOT know that I had a gluten allergy. I would just eat food, it'd do terrible things to my body, but I legit thought "Oh, EVERYONE feels like this. EVERYONE feels terrible after they eat, so that's just the way it is, no big deal."
I did, however, notice that my farts and stool were unusually disgusting. Just super sour smell, like something rotting, and my poop was super oily. BUT! I only pooped once a week, so nbd. What was absolutely a bd was that in the two or three days leading up to my weekly poop, I would essentially fart uncontrollably. So, I worked it into my schedule to just make myself scarce during those couple of days, and when it was time to go I would know that I needed to be around a toilet far far away from my office, so once a week I'd go down to Home Depot.
So, this was the week and a half AFTER the 2012 Super Bowl. During the big game, I'd gone to an all you can eat all you can drink buffet. And this was when I was still kind of struggling financially, so when I hit this all you can eat all you can drink buffet, I hit it HARD. Like 5+ hours hard.
So, I basically load up on gluten, and after maybe a day or two, I start feeling something different. I mean, I felt like shit immediately after, but that's normal. I felt like my usual schedule was somewhat off.
I'd begun having these very airy, non-smelling farts. But like all day long. And as the days went by, they became more and more lethal. But after five days or so, I think back and realize "Oh my god, I haven't shit in a week" and I know something must be wrong.
Constipation is a bitch. If you don't go when the mood hits you, you very well could lose it entirely. So, a week goes by, the weekend comes, then the next week starts, and still nothing's budging. I'm not even getting that initial rush. It's just farting and gas cramps. But I figure, it's pay week, so I'll take my paycheck and go to the walk-in clinic and get it figured out on Friday. I just have to make it til Friday.
So, at this point I'm low man on the totem pole at my job, and I'm basically the office bitch. Thursday comes around, and Thursday means I have to pick up paychecks from the payroll company and deliver bring them back to HQ. At the same time, I'm desperately trying to fart in my office, so I keep running around, dipping into stairwells, etc., to be discreet about it. And it's working. But I know that this can't go on forever.
I come up with a plan; on my way to pick up paychecks, I'll take lunch and get Chinese food. Chinese food ALWAYS upset my stomach, so maybe that'll jump start something, and Home Depot is next door, so I'll drop the big one there, then go pick up paychecks and move on with my life. Seems simple.
I get General Tso's Chicken, scarf that down, and immediately get those grumblies. And I'm fucking psyched, and I need to take a shit like serious, so let's do this. I go to Home Depot, and motherfucker, there's two dudes laying down thunder in both of those stalls. So I wait, patiently, eventually one of the guys leave, I hop in the stall and I prep myself for the big one.
Nothing.