I replied here earlier, but came to my senses after the heat of the moment and promptly deleted my response.
I think about divorce at least 5 - 10 times a day. It gets easy to start fantasizing about what that life would be like. But then, yes, you break it apart and see it for what it is: for the foreseeable future I'd be doing even more plus balancing a full time job when there's no one in my family who could watch the baby. I can imagine how that would play out, crawling to my ex-mother-in-law groveling for her to watch our son while I work.
I feel like a lot of the parents who work full time come home and just think their day should be done. My husband's face goes directly into his phone or the computer. We never go to bed together, nor does he even eat with me; he'll eat standing somewhere else. Most of the free time we do spend together is spent watching TV. He nitpicks; what I buy, what I say, and "playfully" puts me down in front of his friends. My feelings about him have definitely changed.
He doesn't even notice. He gave a, "happy birthday," on his way out to work one day. That was all. On our anniversary, his mom called to offer to baby-sit and urged him to take me out. I don't expect leaps and bounds, but Jesus, would it kill the guy to bake a cake or something?
He frequently complains about how he's tired or he's so busy. He does not get up with the baby at night -- I do. I don't fault him for that (I EBF). Busy? He spends most of his hours outside of work screwing around or procrastinating, forevermore saying, "I should do..." which never gets done. He rarely watches the baby.
He went to a (fun) convention last weekend. Then he went out to dinner with friends the other night. I go out once or twice a month beside an hour out each week to go grocery shopping.
I resent him. For both rational and irrational reasons. I don't know if we're ever going to be "happy" together. I feel like having a baby has really forced issues to the surface: i.e., things that were grating before make me mad as hell now.
But I'm too tired. Too tired to file for divorce. Too tired to argue. He typically has to be right and will argue that someone else's perception is wrong. It was within the last few months that I told him, "Maybe we should separate." He blew up.
You would think that statement coming from a spouse would ignite panic and a desperation to fix it. Nope. Nothing.
I often wonder if my husband has ever loved or cared about me. I love my son to pieces and I don't regret him, but it would've been nice to have that realization before we became parents together.