Damn, she looks like a fat, ugly schmuck named Hank. He's just a regular joe. Works hard all day. Goes home to an empty house because he looks exactly like Schumer does here. No one will fuck him. He fantasizes about that pretty teacher he sees on the bus every morning. When he's done, he cries himself to sleep every night. The teacher doesn't even know he exists although they stand or sit near each other for a half hour everyday. He will never get the likes of her. He got the courage to chat her up once. Between sips of Starbucks, she looked down at his trusty Thermos, cringed and pretended she was getting a phone call on her cell. When he got home that night, he raged behind closed doors, repeatedly calling her a bitch and a cunt and a whore and dyke. Over the next few weeks, the nights were consumed by rape fantasies about the teacher. It didn't help when he saw her half flirt with another man on the bus. He wasn't good enough either though. He wore a polo shirt and khakis and boat shoes to work every day. He must have been a teacher too. She wanted a grown man in a suit though, not a man dressed like a little Catholic school boy on casual fridays. But he got over it eventually. Found a new wild looking Puerto Rican girl to get fixated on. Which worked well until he came, which then left him all alone with no one to talk to and no one to fuck. Best he could ever get is Amy Schumer because he looks just like Amy Schumer. But could he? Theoretically, yes. Realistically? Maybe not. She'll pay a gay guy to be her boyfriend before she'll fuck and marry a Gaffigan. Fucking bitches.