I went through a verysmart phase when I was like 13-15. I think it was mostly a way for me to justify myself to people, because I didn't have any actual positive traits. I was kinda smart I guess, but I had terrible social skills and was mean and didn't like anybody and nobody liked me back. It was a shield to protect myself from realizing I was just a terrible person that needed to grow up. So I created the image for myself as a persecuted genius who would one day change the world by playing video games all the time and skipping school when I could.

I just kinda stopped being verysmart in the "Super high IQ better than you" way when I went to high school, but in truth I think I just changed up my methods. I got into criticism and being critical of things and analyzing things, and even though I would always deny it I definitely held my opinions above those of others because mine were formed in the eternal god-soup of my mind or some shit. This too was a shield, I think. Because I still needed to justify myself to people. I couldn't be a terrible person, they just didn't see how great I was.

I always felt like I got the short stick, despite a very privileged upbringing. I wasn't the fastest, the strongest, the most creative. So verysmartness was a way to pretend that I was ahead in the brain, and that should mean I'd come out ahead in life, right? I've always had this idea that I'd be famous and successful and respected, because I've never been any of those things before.

When I became more secure in myself, there wasn't a reason to shit on people or convince myself I was better than them. It just felt like the world was against me and I couldn't fathom being in the wrong.

It kind of sucks that in 20 years, I've only felt like a normal person for two and a half.