Yes, I have.

I guess you could say she was my first true love. It was like a match made in hell. We were both toxic people with severe drinking and drug problems with hers being a slight worse then mine.

An example would be our date nights. There is this Japanese sukiyaki restaurant that we would frequent not because of their food, but because of their $10 all-you-can-drink option. It was only two drinks (Sapporo and hot sake) but for ten bucks? We would stay there for hours until the owner would kick us out.

Our next stop would be back to my house where we would do some lines, hop in the shower together, have snoo snoo, then go back out again with our friends to another bar where we would do some more snow snow. Our belligerence at the end of the night would finally begin to show because the coke would wear off and we'll finally feel the effects of the alcohol where, upon then, we would start our fights.

Eventually, our friends stopped hanging out with us because we would cause such a scene. We would get kicked out of most places and banned in others. She would throw bar glasses at me and I would call her every insult in the book. It got even worse once we were in her car. She always had vodka in a water bottle or in her drink cup and would down it when we had nights like these. That and our yelling contests inside the car made for some dangerous calls.

Our night would end with her trying to crush my pelvis like the Amazonian women and with me trying to pull her hair out of her skull or trying to choke her to death. This relationship had all the signs of impending doom.

But I loved every second of it.

We loved each other because we were similar and can take out our anger on each other but knew we would forgive each other in the end. We loved each other because we can hold our alcohol. We loved each other because we were both afraid we wouldn't find someone like each other.

Which is why I decided to end it. I wanted to get clean and she didn't. I knew that if I stayed with her, my wanting to get clean would never come to fruition because of either her calling me a bitch or my addiction would make me come back.

To this day, I have quit smoking and stopped doing drugs but still continue drinking (instead of a bottle everyday, a bottle during the weekend).

I called her because I was lonely. I missed her dearly. I missed her raspy laugh, her smile, her lustful eyes and her own weird ways of affection. She called me because she wanted me to take her back.

I still miss her but I know I can't go back to her.