As an allo the thing that was hard to swallow was that an ace person will never desire you. They will never have steamy thoughts about you, and think about what they want to do with you naked. They could see you naked and have it be the same as if you had clothes on. The desire would not change. They wouldn't see you and think I want to fulfill every desire, and I want them to do x to me, and I want it to last for days.

There are a lot of very gross things that sex entails, smells, flavors, moisture, sounds, unflattering body stuff... it's an experiance. I fully get that not everyone can get on board with this.

This is a very vulnerable act.

Part of the thing that makes allos leery of going at this with an ace, is that they aren't feeling that bond that happens when people put themselves in a vulnerable state. It's not just hugs or cuddling. It's way more cerebral and the most intrusive interaction that two people can have.

"I'm not sexually attracted to you" is a kick to the stomach for a lot of people.

Allos take this personal because it's indoctrinatied from the time that we are small that our worth is found in how we are appealing to other humans. So when someone says " I'm not sexually attracted to you" in an allows mind it sounds like " you are not good enough to have sex with me" or " YOU are not who I would choose" and an allo will rip themselves apart to try and figure out why they are not sexy enough. They will try and identify why they are repulsive. Especially if they love you. If they discover that you are going through the motions to simply make them happy, but the desire is not there, they feel like a clown. Like they just did a striptease at the office. It's a grotesque feeling of self exploitation. And what's worse, they can feel like a predator because the one they loved never wanted it... They just agreed to it to make the other party stay.

I'm not saying this monkey brained mentality is right, but it is part of the collective narrative that we have grown up with.

As an allo, You grow up, you want to have sex, you get all these urges which are as strong or stronger than the need to eat, especially as a teen allo. Religion makes this worse: religion says the only way God will not hate you for having sex is being married to your partner. ( Again not saying this is true..but our religion teaches us that sex is for marriage ONLY... So you can have kids and have God's blessings). So a lot of people will wait for marriage and then expect to have all the sex they ever wanted because it feels good and it helps them bond to their partner. It also makes them feel secure in the relationship. They think this because in religion it's basically what marriage is for. This is the person you will turn to that will meet your needs. I'm not saying that this is correct... But it's taught.

Hell they made us get promise rings in middle school so that we would stay celibate until we met our one and only.

But having been married and divorced I see marriage as a farce. It's a tool to make people be counted and pay taxes. It's not about love, it's about paperwork and a Party.

Being turned down for sex is a blow to the ego, it's a rejection. It's someone saying no to the sex you offer. ( I'm not saying people need to say yes to sex they don't want, that's creepy.) But I am saying that when someone offers the most sacred part of them, and someone says no or makes an excuse, or finds a way to talk around it or dismiss it, or gets angry that they would "think of them that way"... They are left looking at the offering saying... They don't want this part of me. There is something inherently wrong with me.

It's the disconnect between the sex the body is craving and the love they want to express physically. If they attempt to show you they desire you physically and the person they are having those feelings for cannot reciprocate then there is a void. There is this emotional physiological gap that requires a sacrifice to bridge.

If the asexual person sacrifices the act, there will still be this void. It does not solve it. If the allo person sacrifices the physical aspect then there is the void. The void will always be present.

I guess it comes down to how people describe the relationship they are after. Most allows are monogamous, they feel intense love for one person, body mind and soul. If you cut off the body aspect is the mind and soul enough for a person to feel complete?

There are relationships that people keep that lack soul, they can have fwbs and flings and their soul never ventures in. But they can also exist in primarily soul, where the deepest questions of who am I is answered.

They can have the mental aspect, where the philosophy and the drivers for curiosity are reached and psychological nirvana can be accessed. Problems are solved, plans are made, future is built. They can also be present without this aspect, where the person may be fun, but cannot dive deep with you.

And there are physical relationships where people can climb mountains, run marathons, dance, snuggle, sing and comfort, and then there is also where they can break it down to the basest parts and feel that connection that can only be spoken between the soul of lovers. You can also have relationships that lack body, pen pals for example.

Sex has its place in all of these dynamics...and there is a bonding chemicals that is present inside this act.

Fwbs end up in ruin because there will always be someone who reaches a bond before the other unless the people involved are equally disinterested in the one they are performing this act with. If they are having sex to gratify ego and relieve bodily stress only... hypothetically it could work. If they catch feelings they are cut off and seen as needy and clingy when in fact the chemical bond is primarily to blame.

Maybe love is the problem. Maybe love is a hopeless ideal that no one can reach and we put everything we are into this life in the hopes to find this holy grail and in the end it means ultimately nothing. Because the issue was we never found ourselves to be worthy of the ideal we had about love. Maybe love is our connection to the divine and it means everything. Maybe our bodies just get in the way of that.

I hope that no one here feels attacked, because that's not my intention. I am hopelessly in love with someone i believe to be an ace and I am doing my best not to fall apart or be demanding while I squelch these feelings of wanting to be with him physically. He has had 6 children in his past relationships...which puzzled me. But as he has disclosed that he hates sex.. I feel like a perv for even wanting it.

He says he loves me deeply, but just hates touching and says he feels this love like I do. I wish I could just turn my desire for him off like a light switch and be ace for him. Because I adore him. He hates to be touched. I feel loved when I am touched. So I cry a lot. I'm loyal to a fault, so I do not crave anyone but him. I am doing my best not to rip myself apart because of this void I spoke about. I am hoping to be able to find this balance... And find a way to be happy in celibacy. But I am currently mourning what I imagined the love of my life would look like. I feel like I'm broken.

There are 2 sides to every coin. I hope that I have offered somebody clarity and I hope that I will continue to learn how to be a better human.