Please help me! I've known from the beginning I need to get away from him. He doesn't care about my happiness and he's selfish, I know that. But I'm a lovesick fool. (sorry this is long because I have no one to talk to about this and i've been holding it in for months)
This is where it gets more twisted. He's broken up with me 15 times in 11 months, multiple times over the fact I've been with guys before him and he couldn't cope (I'm his first real relationship), over wanting be more religious, a couple times because he's gotten mad over something tiny then he just nopes out, and once because I got upset when he called me easy. He's jealous to the point I've ended all my friendships with my male friends except for the one he approves of. He's extremely jealous, kind of irrational with his blame (always my fault), and is only affectionate when we first get back together from our on and off cycles, which have always been initiated by him.
My friends don't even know I'm with him anymore because they hate him and know I'm an idiot for taking him back.
That's where I need help.
I'm not quite sure how to fix this, but I've always put my worth in the opinions of others. If people don't like me, I blame myself. I've always been like that. And I put all of my worth into him. Everyone could worship me but it wouldn't matter to me, only his opinion does. and because i've isolated myself from so many of my friends, i've kind of put all my eggs in one basket- him.
During our break ups, I'd always tried to move on. I found plenty of guys who were much nicer, kinder people than him, who would actually want to talk to me, they did everything I wanted him to do, but they weren't him. And despite his awfulness, he's all I want for some reason. The second he came back, I'd drop them.
I don't think he intends to be a bad person. I thought he bottles things up because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, and there are times where he'd give me the world. When I told him about how unhappy I was, he was kind of trying to fix the problem, just not how I wanted. He admitted that he didn't do it and that because he was lazy. He always starts solving the issues, but then he stops and I don't know how to make him keep going. He only listens to me when I set prerequisites for us getting back together, that he has to do X, Y, and Z. He does it for a couple weeks, then he starts prioritizing me less and less. and even though it's not my fault he's an overreacting poohead, I still hurt him. I've made him cry, and some of the times when he hurt me, I responded with things he shouldn't have forgiven me for but he'd come back. Or maybe I'm just brainwashed lmao.
His only prior "relationship" was with a girl who lead him on as a side fling. She emotionally cheated on her boyfriend with him. I don't know the details of it, but she played him how he's playing me. He played my role in that relationship. She hooked up with his friends to make him jealous, she lied to him and manipulated him. She was batshit crazy, and that damaged him a lot. I got with him because I thought I could fix him and make him love me and that we'd have a good relationship because I'm a good person and I didn't want to hurt him. Which would have been easy if the tiniest things didn't piss him off. One time, I was looking for reassurance that I wasn't fat and he got mad because I asked him if he found me attractive lol. He didnt talk to me for the rest of the night because I wanted him to compliment me and he took it the wrong way. I think I apologized for that too.
My biggest fear is him moving on. If I knew he'd stay loving me, I think i'd have a much easier time moving on. But I'm scared of when I let him go, how he's gonna go find another girl and I won't be the center of his world anymore. I don't know how to say no to him because once I turn him away, he's gone and i'll still have feelings for him. I don't know when to quit because he's my first relationship. first love, all that horsecrap. And I'm obsessive too, I can't get that dumbass out of my head. We could be broken up for 6 months, and I'd still be plotting ways to get his attention, tweeting or instagramming things so he can see me and hate himself for what he's done. I don't know how to leave him without hurting myself ugh.