I read your DB post(s) and I've gotta say...I'm sorry, this sounds like a really bad situation all around.

To directly address your question, I think it's utterly ridiculous and unproductive to go after an AP. It changes NOTHING. Except when it all comes out in the wash makes the spouse look sort of crazy, IMO/E. The marriage is usually fucked in some way before one person steps out (or for most of us it is). There is a crowd that really really advocates for going after the AP, but again it's utterly pointless and really just self serving, if we're being honest. It changes nothing.

As for what I'd "give up"? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm in love with a man but it's not even anyone I'm sleeping with, those are just guys I fuck. Either way, I've spent years trying to talk about what got me to this point, and if the day you're referring to ever came, I would mention I'm done talking and it's over. No one is getting thrown under the bus by me because they, ultimately, have nothing to do with the problem. That's just me though.