Today has been horrible, its been one of those days where I REALLY want to look at porn and/or masturbate, but I haven’t. More than once Ive had go “stop!” and get up and walk around, but I haven’t. My brain has been like “here is a vivid image of a specific porn video you saw years ago but was always a favorite”. And you want to know the messed up part? The part that keeps popping into my head isn’t her chest, her backside, or all the gory details, no, its her face. Her FACE, specifically her smile. I know its fake but THATS the thing I remember. I don’t even WANT porn anymore, I want it as an escape but not in a real sense. I want something REAL, I don’t want an airbrushed perfected woman, doing whatever she is told to do on camera even ifshe hates it, I don’t want fake love. I want someone REAL, a REAL women, someone who has flaws, who has imperfections, opinions, attitudes, interest, likes, loves, hates. Whose smile is REAL because of me, not because there was a camera pointed at her and she needed to put on a show, get a paycheck, and go home. Someone who wants to hug and cuddle with me, a wife who wants to be intamate because she loves me not because there is a camera and paycheck in it or because she needs some sense of validation. I want someone who I’m going to frustrate and who is going to frustrate me, but we get through it. I want something REAL. I want someone who I can be intimate with emotionally before we ever marry and become intimate physically. I want someone who I can PRAY with, and be real. Most of the time when I pray in public its very weird because I can’t pray like I do at home, where I’m honest and just talk to god about everything, my struggles, desires, failures, where I can just stop and start worshiping him in the middle of prayer. I want someone who I can pray with like that, and be that open around and trust that much, and who feels the same about me. Who loves god the way I do. I want a REAL woman, not pixels, not an escape from my problems, but a REALATIONSHIP, the good, the bad, the ugly. the times when its great and the times where it sucks.

Every time I leave my house its like getting hit by a ton of bricks, but staying at home is worse because then I have nothing to do but think about it. Every tv show, every video game, every bible study, every scripture verse, everything I run across that touches romantic relationships in even the lightest way feels like I’m getting punched out over and over.

Whats REALLY messed up, Is STUPID. Its IDIOTIC. Normally, I would say I find the vast majority of women attractive. I just would, the vast majority women in my age bracket I would totally be willing to date on a looks basis. But lately, Ive found I’m NOT attracted to most, its been an issue ever since the 2 dates I had that didn’t work out. But its become very pronounced lately. Like, man, with the few things I AM looking for in a woman its not like I need ANOTHER limiting factor ya know. I cannot put my finger on why. Maybe its because personality became a bigger issue after getting to know a girl somewhat, but its just….as problem. Then I see a girl I’m actually attracted to, married or dating someone. Almost always. Its its idiotic on so many levels because I’ll see a girl, or maybe talk to them at a campus group thing. I’ll be talking to a girl but on an attraction level I just feel “meh”. Its DUMB. Like, objectivly she is attractive, nice face hair, fit, big in the right places, small in the right places, I mean just objectivly I SHOULD be attracted to this girl, but I’m not. Over and over I keep feeling like I have that response. I feel like that almost every time i see a girl now, and when I DON’T feel like that she is almost always married. WTF. How……what…. I don’t even know. How did I go from being attracted to almost all girls to attracted to almost none. Its absolutely idiotic on every conceivable level. Maybe Its a personality thing, That kinda started happening more after I went on a few dates with this one girl but it didn’t work out, but I actually for the first time in my life got to know a girl. So maybe personality is just more important now, but its SUCKS!