God decides he's too old for this shit and leaves you in charge. The universe is now yours. You can change anything. What do you do?

I'm kicking off the Second Coming immediately, but I'm doing it my way:

Excuse Me. Could I have your attention, please? Everybody turn off your phones and look up at the God on the flaming sky throne. I have some announcements.

First off, any of you that have read Revelations, and think they know how this is going to end, I need to stop you right now. There aren't going to be any trumpets, or bowls, or crazy hybrid animals. This will not end with Heaven On Earth. You people have to fix your own shit. You're all going to be down there for a long, long time. Trust Me, you're going to want to get started on that Climate Change thing. I help those who help themselves, and you guys aren't holding up your end on that one.

Second, I know that some Christians have started wagging their fingers at the non-Christians around them. I also know that a lot of non-Christians are really worried right now. Stop it. I couldn't care less what religions you followed before today. I don't care if you were atheists. Agnostics kind of get on my nerves, but I'm not sending any of you to Hell for your beliefs. Jesus said that the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. Starting today, that one is the number one commandment. Just be good to the people around you, and we're square.

To be fair, though, you should all probably convert to Christianity. I am here in person, after all. If you're still doubting, there's literally - literally - nothing I could do to convince you. We tried the faith thing for a while, and that caused a lot of confusion. Should have seen that coming, but anyway We're taking a more direct approach from now on.

Third, to any of you who were using My name to prop up your political or racist hate, that ends now. See My second point above. I love all you equally, and anybody who says differently is going to hear from Me. I promise they will not enjoy that. Also, anyone who asks you for money in My name needs to cut that out right now. Anyone currently sitting on a lot of cash taken from people in My name really needs to think hard about the whole camel-eye-of-the-needle thing.

Fourth, since I know a lot you are thinking about it - cancer. Some of you had genetic time bombs, and you're all healed. Sorry about that. I've got some other genetic fixes coming that I think you're going to like, but I wanted to take care of this one right away. Those of you who smoked for decades, or who lived inside tanning beds, or in other ways gave yourself cancer, you're still going to have to get treated by your doctor. I have some really interesting punishments in store for the people who lied to you about whether those things caused cancer.

That's all I have for now, but I don't want it to be thousands of years between these little chats. I'm going to make this a regular thing, so start praying your questions. Expect a third Testament soon (that's right, Mormons, this one will be the third, and final, Testament) that will clarify a bunch of things from the Old and New Testaments that you have been taking way out of context. Until then, when in doubt, just be good to the people around you.

Thanks, humanity. Elizabeth Warren 2016!

/r/AskReddit Thread