I resisted the notion of going to therapy for years (because of depression). Therapy isn't a crutch - don't think of it like that - it's not just there to use when feeling down. Therapy is a TOOL to keep you from having those feelings or to be able to reason yourself out of those feelings...and you can't expect it to work immediately. You have to be 100% honest or it won't be effective.

My wife has a history of making the worst possible decisions possible when drinking. You have a leg up on her. She's ruined two marriages, multiple friendships and possibly half of her time with the kids. You haven't done anything nearly as catastrophic. You have a great opportunity here to get in front of anything that may be bringing you down. You can still feasibly mend things with Steve, but Zach needs to be out of your life (considering there was almost a repeat performance yesterday). Aside from scheduling something with a therapist the removal of Zach should be number two on your list.

My advise and feel free to totally ignore it - you probably should - would be: Look, get the therapy, remove Zach from your life and then present Steve with what happened. This way you can show that you're already making positive steps to better yourself both for yourself and your relationship. You love Steve so take the steps to prove it. I feel like a broken record because I always say this to my kids and wife but actions speak louder than words. SHOW him that you're making improvement. That you feel remorse. If he's initially angry, accept it. Accept blame - no caveats like, "however, yeah but, well, etc."

And seriously, as far as the therapy goes, niliminann, I would jump online now and start researching. I know keeping secrets can be painful. The quicker you understand why you did what you did the faster the recovery process will be for you and Steve.

And, while I'm not in Steve's position and I really don't know any of the details feel free to PM me if you want. I do know what it's like to be in a situation similar to his. Shit, I was the last to find out. All of her friends knew and I only keep two close friends, one of whom put the single largest grouping of knives in my back in my 32 years on this planet...well, him and my wife.