I smoked with all 3 of my pregnancies. I drank (heavily one night) in one of them when I was knowingly 16 weeks along. I'm not proud of any of those things at all whatsoever, but it happened and I can't take it back. I know many, many other mothers who have done similar and much much worse while knowingly being pregnant. I talked to someone who had knowingly smoked meth while pregnant - they weren't proud of it, and it happened, and they quit all that nonsense and are living a pretty straight life now.

The point is with this is that there is no such thing as a perfect mom. You will always eat the wrong thing, drink the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, while pregnant. You will say and do the wrong things while raising it up. It is healthy to feel some amount of guilt, because feeling some amount of guilt reassures you that you are a fantastic mother. Which you are. Feeling the crushing amount of guilt you do right now? Not healthy, because it is a huge detriment to you. It is consuming you and eating you alive, from the thing that a ton of pregnant women have done.

You are a fantastic mom. Smoking while pregnant does not take that away from you. What you are doing while your child is outside of you from each moment forward defines you as a mother - the collective choices you make. And you will make bad ones sometimes, but it doesn't make you a bad mom as a whole. The 6 days out of the week that you are kissing and loving on your child trumps the 1 day out of the week where you snap at your kid.

You are not stupid. A stupid mom would give no fucks about their kid. A bad mom would give no fucks about their kid. But you care so much that it is wrecking you. Let go of your mistakes. Forgive yourself, and kiss on that sweet little child of yours and know that he forgives you. That smile and coo of his is pure love and forgiveness for every mistake you make.