I've always lived in a culture of alcohol, drugs, violence, crime etc etc. Acting feminine and girly is going to be such a shift and so alien to me. Now I'm sober I want to be completely honest with myself and start doing the things that deep down I want to do. But its scary, and sometimes I have this idea that wanting to be girly and feminine is a miss-wiring of my brain, a poisonous thought process that needs to be curtailed.

Trying on some clothes and make up sounds exciting. I'm starting a new job soon so I'll have the money to buy stuff. But I live at home atm so it might be a bit difficult.

The only issue is me. I stand in the way of myself. Maybe its internalised transphobia and homophobia, but every time I get close to trying new things I chicken out.

I'd also like a change in my relationships. I've been seeing a lot of girls lately and its getting kinda boring. It'd be cool to experiment being feminine with a guy but I'm not sure there's anyone out there who likes that, at least where I live. I just really think I'd enjoy a complete change, even if it was only for one night a month.

But thank you for your kind comments. It means a lot.