Heaven not worth Hell

I understand that. I have for medical reasons been on oxy since I was 15. Degenerative nerve disease. I'm 26. I abused the fuck out of them at first. Realize it and somewhat got better. Then fell back into it. I'm from a family of alcoholic so throw that into there. I abuse them in waves every few months. I couldn't imagine how ppl on here who don't get them for free manage to hold it together. I mean don't get me wrong I've had to um procure some by other means before but all the time. I couldn't handle it. I mean idk what it's like being an adult without them. All the shit i would feel. Love hate shame guilt. However if I stop taking them I'll literally kill myself bc the disease I have is extremely painful. But same time would do anything to make the pain stop and painkillers gone. Bc I'm just a shadow of myself. I'm having surgery on the 20th to implant a machine attached to my spinal chord to stop my nerves from hurting. I'm optimistic. And scared. Scared if it doesn't. And I'm scared if it does. Just read what u said and felt good to type even if no one reads it.

/r/opiates Thread