I wrote out the whole thing about what happened but I deleted it because it is very personal. I'll explain it later in this reply.
First though, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't go ahead and assume what I'm thinking. It sounds like you've already assumed I'm some huge bitch. I've never asked to be forgiven, I told my ex-big I didn't ever expect her to forgive me, but basically what happened was the guy she was sleeping with on the weekends took advantage of me while I was very very drunk. I went with him willingly but I had no idea what was going on at the time. I take full responsibility for being that drunk and I know how stupid it was, I know I should never do something like that, and I felt so bad I planned out my own suicide and failed a whole bunch of classes because of the panic attacks I kept getting.
I felt so, so bad, but just recently I found out she forgave the guy, but not me. I apologized really seriously and wrote her a long heartfelt message before, but now that I know she's best friends with that guy again, I don't know if it's even worth trying to apologize again.
I'm not asking to be forgiven, it would be really nice obviously, but I just want access to my sorority again. I worked really hard to get into this chapter, I love it so much, but every time I go into the house now I feel like the juniors that know about this are going to kill me and I get really scared. Plus, my ex-big is keeping the president from talking to me now! I know for a fact my ex-big has done WAY worse stuff than me, she is known for getting drunk and sleeping around and is pretty proud of it, so I don't understand why she can forgive this guy but has to make my sorority life a living hell.
I know I'm ranting but basically I'm just looking for advice on how to ignore this and make new friends and fix my sorority life. Like I said, I worked really hard to get into this house and there are tons of amazing girls, I want to know if it's possible to get over my fear of these juniors that hate me now and make new friends.