Ahh the classic taint thread resurrected.
I read bluelight regularly and post very rarely, but I can say after years of browsing Internet message boards, this is one of the most hilarious threads I have ever read.
Hands down.
Beyond that, I have much to add. First I'd like to highlight one thing: the type of constipation people are talking about here is extremely painful. UNBELIEVABLY painful. I have had an appendix almost burst before, and that pain was bad. The pain I had when trying to pass what felt like the football-sized, diamond-hard mixture of concrete, fully-extended Swiss Army knives and hot pepper sauce from my anal cavity was MUCH, MUCH worse.
Picture needing to poop so badly you can't be anywhere BUT the toilet. Picture being in so much pain sitting down on the toilet you HAVE to stand up. Picture standing up only for the pain to come shooting up from your ass, to your spinal cord and exploding in your brain which orders you to sit again. Picture being in this cycle of perfect, hellish misery for anything longer than a second.
The pain comes in waves, though. Once 'the ordeal' starts, you'll be at a baseline of say, an 8/10 for pain. It's extremely uncomfortable of course but what makes it worse is the knowledge that soon the muscles in your lower intestine will contract, pushing the sharpened brick in your lower bowel against the tender, raw nerves of your by-now much-abused sphincter. When this happens, there is no longer a pain scale that applies. It's eye-rollingly, tear-producingly, toe-curlingly, sweat-inducingly, muscle-tensingly, voice-hoarseningly, mind-rapingly, exquisitely AWFUL. You'll find yourself wishing you were the goatse guy, and earnestly pondering why you didn't spend a good chunk of your life before now rigorously stretching out your asshole with a variety of oversized dildoes.
Virgin assholes aren't designed for this.
I am an atheist. In fact, I am probably a bit obnoxious about it. I roll my eyes at judges installing the 10 commandments in their courthouses and actors thanking Jesus at the Academy Awards. That said, neither of these categories of people have paid as much fervent homage to Jesus fucking Christ as I have while trying to extract shit from my own asshole.
There is no comfortable position. There is nothing you can do to alleviate, even slightly, what is going on. You just have to suffer - horribly - for an indeterminate amount of time until something gives. It can take hours.
This is why, when I see people in threads like this going "ewwww, you stuck your fingers up your own ass? Groooooss!" I know they simply have no idea what this kind of opiate-related constipation feels like. The closest thing I can say that kinda comes somewhat near describing the sensation is having a psychopath stick a red-hot knife into your anus and twisting. Slowly.
At that point, sticking your fucking ARM up your own ass doesn't look like such a bad option. The sweet release of death looks like a completely reasonable solution.
In that spirit I fully understand and commend the opening post. Pushing your own taint is NOTHIN', son. And yeah, it works. Sometimes.
Dog help you if it doesn't... I can't imagine anything more mortifyingly embarrassing than walking into an ER and telling the cute Asian nurse you're there because you need help pooping (probably whilst crying and/or rolling around on the floor in the fetal position).
Fucking hell.
ps: I have long since quit all opiates and my poops are as smooth and painless as they could possibly be. But my rectum still shudders from the horror... the horror...