I may delete this later, but I don't really have anyone to talk to and I just need to get this off my chest. It may be long too, I apologize, I'm just not too keen on making an entire post.

For context, I spent a couple years not talking to my grandmother after I realized the weight of the fucked up things she'd say to me all the time. However, I began trying to reconnect with her earlier this year after seeing how much I improved my relationships with my parents and sister, and everything seemed fine at first. She even came down and visited and I had a wonderful time, surprisingly; we took many photos together and I spent lots of time with her! Recently, she was kicked out of by another relative's house, and when questioned about it, they listed off a ton of concerning reasons. Immediately, my parents flew her out so she could live with them, and she's been there for a few weeks now. For the 24th and 25th, my boyfriend and I went to my parents' house on to celebrate, and the first day was fine, nothing happened and it was pretty smooth. Last night was the big dinner and at this point, it was my parents, my boyfriend, my grandmother, and I. Everything was fine until my dad was bringing in the last of the food (he was grilling) and my grandmother began frantically saying over and over, "Why is no one thanking my son? My son has worked so hard for all of you! Why is no other thanking him? My son is so amazing!" This was... odd. The food wasn't even plated yet, and I promise you, once we were all sitting and ready to eat, I definitely would've thanked him for the food. Most of my relationship with my dad is based off of and is held together by humor; he and I are no strangers to calling each other terms like "dawg", "bro," and the like. I took the opportunity to say something along the lines of, "Ah, yes, thank you the son." My dad smiled but my grandma told me to try again. So I said something similar like, "Thank you grandma's son!" and everyone but her was smiling. I asked her if she was mad and she exploded and yelled that I'm "disrespecting the family." I was really shocked. She's no stranger to knowing how my dad and I talk with each other and joke, I truly didn't believe that was I was saying was rude or disrespectful in any way. Dinner was awkward. I became really silent, occasionally answering questions my parents would ask or slipping a word or two to my boyfriend; I wasn't interested in speaking to my grandmother. Years of her verbal abuse had came rushing back; I felt like I was 15 years old again, being told about how I deserved to my abused. I remembered my sister (who is still not of speaking terms with our grandmother) telling me that our grandma had told her she's going to hell for pursuing a career in science. Remember her kicking my brother out when he was a teenager because he had a copy of the fucking Kamasutra under his bed. I wanted to eat, say goodbye to my parents, and leave - and I did just that. Thankfully, my amazing boyfriend had comforted me and he agreed that her initial outburst was weird. About at hour later, my mom texted me saying dinner was awkward, and that she has been seeing the patterns our other relative was talking about when they explained why they kicked my grandmother out. It may not mean much, but my mom said she knew I was joking and insisted that I wasn't out of line. Thankfully, my mom is really headstrong and she immediately told my dad to speak to his mom, or she will.

I am still questioning if my jokes were truly disrespectful. After it, I did thank my dad for the food without any jokes, but it felt so bad to me, like I was giving my grandmother satisfaction. Thanking my own father felt bad - that's so twisted. I think I'm going to avoid her now, but I don't see my parents often in the first place, and I feel a bit sad that I'm going to be visiting their house less now. I also can't recall feeling so shitty on a holiday in years. I feel like I've said too much to my mother and boyfriend, and I don't want to bother them with this, but even typing this out has been cathartic. Here's to (hopefully) happy New Year's.