Do you ever question yourself?

I’m in this exact situation. I feel like going insane. I have so many things that prove they could be narcs. But since I grew up learning about manipulation through them, I feel like infected. They also made sure when I was young to tell me, especially my dad used to tell me « be careful of doing like some other people and blaming all your failures on your parents, because your parents weren’t good etc » he tried to remove the right from me from the beginning to even question if he’s a good parent. The problem is both my parents use material things and making food and things like that to « make up » for the abuse. I believe that in their mind they are very progressive parents. My dad used to bear my mum even when she was pregnant even in the belly. She thought it was normal and ok since her own father and family used to beat her like crazy (but won’t accuse him of anything since he’s dead and she’s good at forgiving abusers). Apparently what she has been through waw torture and what she has done to us was not beating but just « tickling » (by tickling she means beating us with belts, metal thing on the belt precisely, shoes, slaps, hair pulling,etc etc). My dad never beat us because he really changed his habits of being violent with women and children in general. But still has anger issues and is a master manipulator. My mum is also a master manipulator but I just realized it not long ago. When she tried to blame Me for the beating « you used to fight with your little sister and you were violent so I had to intervene » (not true since we were mostly beaten because of house chores, I used to do most of the house chores to avoid conflict. And then I used to be beaten because I would defend my sister and be beaten at their place and thus making her authority less important)… anyway I don’t know anymore. I forgive them because I plan on ending my life soon and I don’t want to go being bitter. I don’t even want them to suffer when I won’t be here anymore. They suffered a lot and even tho my traumas are related to my family and mainly my family (it’s my Achilles heel), I still know that I will either succeed my attempt or I will go no contact. I can’t fake anything anymore. Too much pain from these people in my heart and I can’t take it. I hate diagnosing someone and I hate accusing someone and I’m used to accusing me and I’m ready to accept my faults so yeah. I don’t know. I’m still confused and lost because the abuse was from years ago but I currently live with my mum and I pay 98% of my income (not a lot) to stay here. I participate as much as I can for everything but I can only pretend when I smoke weed because it calms me down and help me see things in a better light. Now that I wanted to be sober she couldn’t handle that I wasn’t doing being too close to her or talking to her or leaving without giving her details about everything I do. Anyway I don’t know where I was going with this

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread