I don't really care for this story, but due to some experiences in my life I've found it necessary to carry. I don't like guns but I like being attacked for being trans even less. Anyway.

I was walking home at night and had just passed a bar that attracts a lot of "deplorable" clientele. Not even a minute later, I hear this "hey! HEY!" and someone moving quickly up behind me. Good God the ice in my heart when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I think I might have screamed too. I reach into my purse and before I can even grab my piece I hear him say "you dropped this"

My phone had fallen out of my back pocket. He was just some dude trying to return it and probably couldn't even tell I was trans between the darkness and his intoxication. This was last year, and I keep wondering what if I had reacted faster? And if he HAD meant harm, what would have happened because I hesitated? Self-defense is such a fucking gray area mentally, am i really supposed to brandish a weapon because I'm paranoid and taken off guard??

I have yet to need it since, but I don't even think I'd be able to use it if I needed to. I've been assaulted and shot at, I'm scared - but I'm coming to the realization I might not have the stomach for self-defense.