Brother I’m so sorry if my words come out as rude, and I hope you don’t feel offended but, for how long are you gonna keep yourself on fire for? Or in denial?

After all these years I think it has already been pretty obvious that you both have reached a limit you both can’t cross. You both can’t give to the other what you both want. Therapy won’t fix this anymore then it already has. This is something I personally think was inevitable considering your story and marriage pre-affair.

Stop using kids, or time as excuses, there is no peace in your home, you and your wife are two unhappy people walking on eggshells with each other, constantly hurting because of a past that will never come back and your children will notice it the more they grow up. There will never be a “right” time for it. The sooner you unplug from her the best things will be for the both of you and your family. I know it’s a scary and sad jump to make but by god you need it.