Viewing it as a punishment is exactly what we have to work very hard to stop doing. Seeing it that way contributes to the overwhelming shame and guilt we already feel. We beat ourselves up enough for the things we do when our illness is not in control.

You said you were a terrible daughter, friend, gf, etc and bipolar is your punishment. Have you considered that you could not be the best at all of those things because you have had bipolar disorder all along? Not because it’s just the way you are?

At 49, looking back on my life before I was diagnosed, I can absolutely see now that I had the disorder as a kid. I have beat myself constantly thinking I was just a terrible person, when in reality no one noticed what was really going on and I had no control. I was untreated.

Please discuss this line of thinking with your doctor/therapist so you can try to start shifting it so you can give yourself some grace. Otherwise, you’re going to keep feeling self-loathing and not true acceptance of what the real issue is - you have an illness. It is NOT your fault. It is not anyone’s fault. It is not a punishment. It is a severe illness like any other severe illness. Saying it’s your punishment does not mean you have achieved acceptance at all. It’s a form of self sabotage. We need to shift focus to treating/managing the illness, not to trying to find something we did to have been afflicted with it. Do people with cancer get it because they were bad people and made mistakes? No. It’s no different here.

I am sorry for the novel, but this kind of thinking is what I have done in the past - “What did I do to deserve this? This is my karma. This is payback for every bad thing I’ve ever done”. I still struggle with it, at times, but I have to keep working to remember there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. That kind of thinking keeps us from finding lasting stability, true understanding and acceptance of the illness and ourselves, self-love, grace, and happiness.

No one deserves this. Saying you do is like saying we all deserve it for some reason. I hope you can find a way to take that burden off of yourself. You don’t deserve to carry that kind of weight.

Also, I saw a comment that the illness is just who you are. I know it’s easy to say “I am bipolar” versus “I have bipolar disorder.” I have to catch myself when I speak of it and change the “I am” to “I have.” The distinction is very important. Bipolar isn’t who you are at all.