This may not be an answer that people like to hear, but until youre able to pursue stable help, which you need to be actively doing, you do what you need to to get by. Dont lose sight of the fact that this is not a good place to be but dead certainly isnt either. We use the tools we have till they stop working or we find something better. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life to date and find something better AND healthier (working out/psychiatrist/balancing medications/HOBBIES like obsessing over violin or cello) before it stops working or youre going to be headed down an even more self abusive useless directionless frustrating path and believe me that realization is much more terrifying. You''ll end up ruining your life and looking at it (if youre lucky enough to be coherent and present enough to even realize it) with absolute bewilderment. So, from one human to another, find a better more soul/self enriching way to work all those knots out of your head and heart. Till then, you do what you need to at the minimum to keep you fighting till the next day. Youll stop eventually, whether youre ready or not, so youre better off stopping of your own accord because youve found something enriching and healing instead of stopping because it doesnt work anymore.