Oh my dear, sweet, simple friend. Do you even own a fedora? Ha. I'll bet you're not even using a mechanical keyboard right now. What's that, some kind of Logitech wireless? Wow. Surprised that thing works at all.

Mountain Dew critics and experts (heretofore "Dewies", as we like to term ourselves) of all walks and lifestyles agree that there is only one true "best" flavor of Mountain Dew. I am referring, of course, to Mountain Dew "Cherry Fusion", available only in Weinerschnitzel restaurants in the United States from 2009 to approximately 2010. The taste... is heavenly. Indescribable. I compare it to making love with a woman, as I cannot describe that either, having never made love to a woman.

Although I, myself, live in Japan where my tastes in comic books and body pillow waifus are seen as not only acceptable but as encouraged in many ways, I took the long journey back to the United States when I first heard about Cherry Fusion. It was well worth the trip. Some nights, when it is late, the taste of it reappears in my mouth like the specter of a lost lover. I reach out my hands to sip once more the sweet nectar of Cherry Fusion, but alas my hands grope at nothingness. And then I weep.

No one knows why it was discontinued, although we all have our theories. Personally, I believe it ascended back unto heaven, called back by The Maker, who saw that it would cause others to take false Gods. For I, along with many others, worship Cherry Fusion and it alone.

Once you have tasted it, all the world tastes bland and flavorless. Truly, no other pleasure may I find, though I search. My waifu, Charlotte Grindelberg, often asks why I no longer feel any emotions.

I tell her I am a man without a home. A man lost.

A man who desires only Mountain Dew Cherry Fusion.