If you could call yourself five years ago and had 30 seconds, what would you say?

The next 2 months are going to be tough. Your best friend is manipulating you. Her husband isn't really abusing her. She is just using you to have a place to party and ignore her child and spouse. She'll go from blow to meth "because it's cheaper" before she bottoms out, a couple years from now. Oh, and she's going to try to ruin your relationships with all of your common friends on the way down. But don't worry; they know the deal and will have your back.

Your other close friend is going to lash out at you for being the cause of his life's troubles around the same time. Don't let that asshole get to you. You already know he's a jackass who is completely unable to account for his own failings. He's already talked shit about you to a couple women who are interested in you, so that he can hook up with them behind his girlfiend's (future wife's) back. He'll never apologize for anything, either.

You're probably going to total your car in about 6 weeks, right after all that other shit went down. You'll be OK, other than a bruised knee. There's a video about to make the rounds of a kid who is the child of a family judge in TX. She films, via webcam, her parents beating her. You're going to figure out you have some PTSD. Don't watch the video. You're going to want to hide under your desk until you stop shaking if you do. While you're drowning from all of this, your mother is going to decide to throw water on you.

You'll be much happier once you cut her out of your life. Don't even worry about it.

Go ahead and bang the cute girl from across the hall, but don't get too attached. She has severe daddy issues, and you'll never be Christian enough to bring home to the family. She's sweet, has that super-repressed naughty submissive girl thing, and sports the greatest breasts got ever created. Have fun, but understand the relationship comes with an expiration date of around 8 months. Just like in Eternal Sunshine, it'll be worth the heartbreak for the fun times.

Last thing - Don't buy the Nike running shoes with the band across the back instead of the heel cup. They will ruin your achilles and bursa sacks. Pick another shoe for walking your dog. Yes, you're going to get a dog. I know you've never heard of a bouvier, but you're going to spend 9 months trying to get one a couple years from now, and it will be worth every second of the wait and every dollar you spend.

Sorry I don't have any lottery numbers or betting info. The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.

/r/AskReddit Thread