Whenever I told her I honestly don't know how to do something, it made me feel like she didn't want to understand my side of the situation. Comments like "if you wanted to do it, then you would've done it" made me feel like she was testing me, waiting to see if I met her expectations.
Like, for example, the topic in interpersonal communication that talks about "I" language. Instead of me being honest with how she made me feel with certain things she did or said, I would accuse her in why she is doing this or that. She'd get upset, I get upset, we both would argue and then I would be puzzled why she gets so upset when I was voicing my opinion.
Eventually she'd tell me it's my delivery, the way I say things, which I understood what she meant but I never knew how to do it any other way. To her, that was a failure, it was something I wouldn't be consciously be aware of and she resented me for it. So, I'd ask her to work with me here, teach me how to do it but her response always was "I'm not your mother, I don't tell you what to do. You have to figure it out on your own." Now I feel stupid that I can't do this, I feel incompetent that I can't figure out how to do this, and I feel so ignorant and foolish.
After a while of me venting on Reddit, googling up solutions, reading articles, watching videos, talking to people about it. I figured out a small solution, so, I told her: "if I make a comment, if I say anything, just stop the conversation and say 'listen, that sounded very rude/snippy/judgmental and I feel offended by that'". Which she did and she was doing great, she'd stop me and say "that comment sounded very snippy" and I'd stop and say "eh? Really? My bad... It wasn't my intention".
It was working. We were finally slowly progressing in how to communicate and understand each other. It felt good that I suggested something right and we made progress. But, at the same time, she kept saying "we will always be the same. We will always argue about the same things..."
I felt frustrated that no matter what I do or say, there was always a negative reaction. At one point, she said the stuff I suggested, she perceved it as her feeling manipulated, controlled. I didn't know what to say, I thought this whole thing was us working together, changing things up to be better... so, I fought back and said "well, then you suggest something! I'm always the person coming up with shit..." But, she'd just get all negative that we aren't working out as a couple, that we have too many problems. That made me feel like she's just throwing in the towel, she's giving up.. and that annoyed the fuck out of me. I thought "her famous line is 'if you can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen'... And that's exactly what she is always doing". Running away the minute she saw a problem.
From my understanding, from my own perspective, her philosophy in "accepting a person" is just that, if I'm an asshole then that's it, I'm the asshole and I guess I'll never be anything else. She just accepts me as that. So, when I say I wanna change, she doesn't believe it because she's so caught up in this concrete view that this is what she views me as and that's it.
At the end, I felt like she's so stubborn, so difficult to work with. It drove me nuts but I was so foolish to believe that things will get better, that she'll think we are progressing. Nope, she just viewed this whole relationship as toxic, poisonous, horrible relationship.
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? Nothing. I just hoped she stop being so nasty, so demeaning and negative about me and us.
I love her to death, I still do... But, after trying to talk to her, rationalize with her.. she still give me an attitude, still made me feel like a piece of fucking shit. Even when I showed her how much I love her, how appreciative I am towards the whole relationship, to her, then remind her of all the things we did together and I did for her. Nothing, she just told me to shut up and then she ignored me, treated me like a fucking worthless piece of shit and that ruined me so much. It destroyed me... Then she said I am a psychopath for feeling this way, for reacting like this.
She's such a self centered, egotistical, uncompassionate person that it blew me away... I put all my energy, time, patience and even tolerated all her insults. Even believed her when she "acted" like she cared what I said.
I'm so hurt.. so disappointed.... She was first love, my first true love in my life. Granted, I've dated other women but I never felt such unconditional love towards a woman until I met her. Fuck... I love her even through all this bullshit..