Nmom will just say she didn't intend for something to be taken a certain way. She falls behind her career as a scientist and says that that's the cause of her lack of social skills. When I explicitly state what she's done that was offensive, she ices me out for the evening and then the next morning finds me and tries to act like I never said anything at all. I hate journaling because I never want to remember this stuff. She is also a master of spinning things and my entire life I've looked for that spin and given her opportunity to share it. I never want to believe that any of this pain was intentional.
I came to RBN because of our latest fight and that's something I need to document. She let me know that another neighbor invited me over for a meal and I told her to thank them but I don't want to. She asked me why and I said firmly I don't want to. We went back and forth like this until she wore me down and then I was angry because I really didn't want to share my reasons. We fought about it and when I recognized her doing it again during the week, I cut things off sharply and she backed down quickly because she realized what she was doing. I thought she finally understood.
Later in the week, I found out that my mother shared what I said with the hostess. I asked her why she didn't make something up, tell them I had other plans. She said in a nasty way, "But you don't have anything planned." I told her it's none of their business what my plans are, she didn't have to tell them. She responded, "Why should I lie for you?" Why should she do anything to respect my privacy or shelter me from embarrassment? Nmom's typical response in situations like this is to say something like, for the future I'll remember not to do this *very** specific thing in this very specific situation.* She will never understand that the complete picture of how she treats me is wrong.
I actually got a small thrill the other day. She was trying to bully me as I was leaving my bedroom. She likes to physically obstruct the way as a means of controlling the conversation. So I'm nearly 5'7 now but I don't give off a tall appearance and she's started shrinking from her 5'5 stature. She wouldn't move when I asked her to but the second I stood up close to her she backed down.
Our family doctor told me years ago to take out student loans and move away from my mother. He said if I ever repeated that back to her, he would lie and deny it until he was blue in the face but he strongly urged me to do it. When I saw a therapist she also encouraged me to strike out on my own. I just haven't had the job stability to do it. I still don't but I have enough money in savings that I think I am ready to take the plunge. My mom would say things like she loves all her children equally and I know it's not true but I want to delude myself. Everyone else in the family likes me and people who meet me think I'm nice. I always had a little dark seed in me though, something a little mean and nasty that kept me from getting close to people because I never learned to trust people I know. I never understood healthy relationships and how they're really constructive. I always thought that they were opportunities to exploit. It is really only since I started doing business that I learned what it means to forge strong relationships and work on maintaining them. I want to build back all the friendships that I lost over the years.