I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately.

My mother is an ESFP with narcissistic personality disorder. Textbook Fox News Bill O'Reilly watching conservative bible waving lunatic. She hates Obama and thinks rock music is the devil.

Over the past few years as I've had some space from her, I've tried to love her as she is. I really struggle with it. I hated her for a long time as she was very abusive during my teen years. If I had met her in high school, I would've hated her. She still disgusts me sometimes, like when she demands special treatment in restaurants or talks about her hairdresser who's a "gay in recovery."

I don't respect her as a person. I don't really like her as a person. There are things about her that I do, so I try to focus on those.

Why bother? Because someday my mother will die, rather sooner than my peers' parents because she's also older. I do not want to spend my life warring with her or ignoring her. She may be an asshole essentially, but it's from her own abusive upbringing.

She loves me. She works hard. She believes in me, mostly. She's still just as manipulative as ever, but I've learned to ignore most of it. Someday I'll be alone, my parents will be dead, and I never want to think back and remember how I hurt them or I took them for granted. Maybe my mother is toxic but I've learned in small doses we can be close. I was thirteen when my grandfather died, and I never really went to see him though he lived alone just around the block. I was just a kid who didn't know about death, but it's one of my biggest regrets not showing him I cared.

I make sure to say I love you to both my parents any chance I get. My dad never says it back. But I have an 11 second voicemail message saved on my phone where he truly showed he cared; I saved it to my computer so I don't lose it. My parents are both really hurt, broken, messed up people who came from abusive homes. They damaged me, but they did the best they could. I found that what I needed in order to heal was not revenge or spite or avoidance for years; it was to love and forgive and not fester in regret and anger. My parents have done some pretty "unforgivable" things, but I didn't want to let the weight of hating them live inside me anymore. Forgiving them both has brought more love into my life even if it has been difficult.