yeah my dream is shattered, motherfucker,! i was always a good kid, you know. some people still think i am a person with great potential, but then talk behind my back about my failed ventures. im dead inside man. i dont feel anything good about myself or anything. my family is broke, both financially and emotionally. i got this laptop from a niece's friend, for 20000. i use a lameass adsl line that i somehow convinced my family to setup. my fathers been working a lame ass job in the airport for the past 18 years. ive never visited him to work. i dont even know if i love him anymore. i dont have any emotions for anybody really. my mom barely talks to me. when she does talk, it justs to let me know that some fucker won DV lottery. my sister, did her BBA and is expecting to tie the knot with a cool ass green card holder as she keeps telling everybody. cheap bitch. she doesnt give a fuck about me. when i try to tell her stuff, you know, about life and all that, she tells me it doesnt sound good coming from the loser that i am. she spends an hour in the bathroom, calling her fuck buddies, masturbating and stuff. hides her porn in \ext Storage\Android\data\com.android.musc\cache\Stepdad rams smoking hot daughter [Youporn].mp4. i know that cause i got hold of her SD Card one day, put it in a card reader, searched the whole thing on my laptop. she knows that i know that she does it. i knock the fuck out of the door to distract her and all that, but she shouts "sale kukkur k bhachha talai?". who is she kidding, really? i dont give a shit about that though, but she does it everyday, so im worried about her health is all. i care for her man. i hope she turns out well and gets a good husband. my father cheats on my mom. were chhetri and hes got this gurung chick hes been screwing. some bitch whos husband works in qatar (i read one of their conversations on fb). i couldve spied more and known much. hell, i could blackmail that bitch and fuck her and turn my frustrations out on her. but i just told myself "fuck it. im not here to mend some fucked up relationships and people'. my moms getting crazier each day. spends all time on phone, on facebook, envying cheap fucks and their families who dont give a fuck about her. told me last week she had no reason to live. gave me chills. but shes strong enough still holding on to hopes that i would do something soon..i dont have money to invest on some hot stock or skills that would land me a job somewhere. so i always wanted to be an artist, you know. a poor guy can be an artist, i know that at least. a producer of things that would inspire. i watched english movies in my childhood which helped with my english learning. so i picked up books from the library, often titles i wasnt familiar with and read it anyway. time went by and this and that and now im here, with a movie dream. wanting to influence society. create some hardhitting shit that would give society a new outlook to look out to. give them hope and all that. i dont have contacts. my friends are stoners. that helps me get high sometimes. theyre equally broke and lame. and thats not helpful. i sit on my ass all day, staring at the screen, trying to think up of something, but my script ends up being an amalgam of the various movies that ive watched. basically its no original idea. i pretend like im building up a great storyline, but the artist side of me knows its shit, and dismisses it. so when some movie trailer comes up and all that, i get anxious and rush up hoping they made some shit nobody would watch. i judge them all. i do it cause thats only how i can get through the day. but i cant do it long enough. so when i was leaving my house this morning, i thought about what i wrote last night. you know, basically talking shit and blabbing and wasting my words. i was all pumped up writing that feeling badass and all. but my heart keeps me from feeling so for long enough. im not a bad guy really. and no matter how hard i try, i cannot be bad for long. im sorry to have written terrible things. sorry to all who had the misfortune of reading it.