I get it. I go back and forth between believing I have a real problem and believing I could stop at any time and am choosing to be this way for whatever fucked up reason. I was already in therapy for other issues when, after many, many months, I admitted to my therapist that I had been struggling to eat "normally" since before I even met them. But ever since that first admission, I am really having a hard time talking candidly about it because I feel like... a drama queen, I guess? I restrict daily but very carefully so as not to arouse suspicion in those around me, measure my food, track calories in and calories out, and weigh myself probably a half dozen times a day - including in the middle of the night (I know how much my pajamas weigh by heart....). I mean, that's not normal, right?!?! And yet, I can't bring myself to tell my therapist even half of that, because I feel like such a whiner who just needs to knock it off and stop acting this way, as opposed to someone with a real issue that warrants treatment. So I have two me's too, and I don't even know which one is real most of the time.

I hope your appointment at the clinic goes well. It's really good and brave that you sought out that help. Hopefully they can help your real you be more present. And be gentle to yourself and your boyfriend :)