I missed him every time and went back. I learned to keep the abuse a secret as much as I could. I still feel sometimes like I deserve it. Well, we actually stopped drinking for 2+ years and the fighting stopped. He got in trouble with the law before that. I bailed him out. He got a DUI and I stayed with him until everything was settled.

That brings us to now. 7 or 8 years we are still together. The drinking is slowly making it's way back into the relationship. I hate that I know when to leave the house, but I don't know when to leave a relationship. He hasn't "hit" me again, but he lets me know how much stronger he is. I'm not the fighter I used to be. When we first got together my life was fueled by anger and rage. I grew older and mellowed out. He isn't a violent person... Until he drinks. If I'm not drunk when he is, I hate him. He's annoying and everything "means something and is special" and it's exhausting. I just want to play my games and not have to listen to the same playlist he's been listening to since high school (we're in our 30s now). But I have to humor that or he feels "I dont love him". I keep telling my mom that I know when to leave before things get bad.

I wish he could just smoke weed instead but that makes him crazier. He feels like he needs something to take the edge off after a 50 hour work week and I don't blame him there. I have my own substance abuse issues I try to keep a hold on. 7/10 drunk nights go by without a problem, but then 3/10 times have me sleeping in the car or at least waiting around until he passes out. This is your future if you stay with him. "I'm so sorry. I would never do that again. You're so wonderful etc etc." He might mean it when he's sober. But he is a different person when he's not.