I know that ECT terrifies you, but I'm going to be unpopular for a second; please try to remember that ECT has, culturally, been viewed as a terrible treatment option since it first appeared. We had poor understanding of it and some really bad times when it was first being practiced. I'm not saying it should be viewed as anything but a last resort treatment wise, but it's also not something that is, for sure, going to make your quality of life worse than it currently is. If you can, try to separate the personal fear of it from the rational fear of a new treatment option. Doctors do not usually suggest this lightly, but even professionals are wrong sometimes.

I say this because my brother is drug resistant, major depressive, and was terrified of ECT. We were raised on "Return to Oz", and had a lot of psychological illness in the family. He was worried it would, I don't know, reset his personality? Mess with his brain? I was scared too; I didn't want to "lose" him or who he was to something like that.

But I got my brother back. Seriously, he would be in bed for weeks prior to his treatment, and afterwards it was like...when the medicines first worked, without the zombification. I know you're not him and everyone is unique, so don't take this as pressure to get this treatment. But do know that it can greatly improve your quality of life, and he didn't suffer any side effects from it. My brother was wasting away, he couldn't be out of the house for more than a week before he'd disappear into his room and have troubles functioning as an adult.

Again, no pressure, but know there can be great healing as well. The biggest issue he encountered weren't physical symptoms, but worrying about longterm effectiveness; like drug resistance, I think some people who get ECT do end up reverting. He hasn't so far though; he still has mild depression but it's never been back to staying in bed for over a week, not even when his 12yr relationship ended.

Don't give up hope, there is treatment out there hug