My stand-up routine

Hey thanks again for volunteering to look over my standup routine. I had signed up for an open mic and I got so nervous right before the show started and ended up backing out. So please, do NOT be nice at all here, give me honest feedback and straight up let me know if you found it funny or not. I swear a lot so I'm sorry if anyone gets annoyed by it. When I was younger and my parents heard me curse, they get a bar of soap, make me open my mouth, and then hit my sister with a shovel. I don't like my sister very much. My parents always made me include her in everything. I used to play the drums so I was in a band as a drummer, and my parents made me include my sister in the band so we put her in the band, not as a member but as one of my drums. I got a little homesick last week so I went home to my parents house. It was nice, except on saturday in the middle of the night I woke up and my parents were having sex. That is the LAST time I'm sleeping in the same bed as my parents. My dad got mad at me over the weekend because well, I'll admit it, from time to time I pee in the shower. So over the weekend I peed in the shower and it really pissed my dad off because…he was still showering. No, I don't pee in the shower. I know it's kinda girly, but I pee sitting down. It's not that big of a deal, people just seem really surprised when they see someone sitting on a urinal. More about my family…my parents are the best. They always told me growing up that they wanted me to have what they never had growing up…stuff like syphilis. The only issue anyone ever had with my family was that my parents collected dead rats so I got a lot of shit for that. But if we didn't collect dead rats, then what would my sister eat? I'm glad I'm in college now because high school was full of weird relationships. This one girl friend I had, I'll never forget the first time we saw each other with our shirts off. She was like "I'm not gonna lie, I hate hairy backs"….so I shaved hers. She broke up with me after a dr. pepper commercial. The slogan for the commercial was "dr. pepper 10…it's not for women!" and she was like "guys are sexist, we're done." I saw her the other day though, actually ran her over with my car. Everyone thought I did it on purpose though because it was during her swim meet. Girls though, I'm no good with girls and neither are my friends. I realized that my friends always make excuses for why they can't score with a hot chick. They see a hot girl and they're always like "If I was single…" or "If she wasn't married…" I picked up that habit I guess too. The other day with my friends we saw a girl and I said to my friends "I'll tell you what, if she didn't live in a nursing home…" I'm a twin and nobody can tell me and twin brother, Jack, apart. Our old house was haunted and one time when I was home alone, I just hear "Jaaaaack….Jaaaack" and I was like "No I'm Sam. Jack's not home right now." and the ghost was like "Fuck. You guys look alike. Just for future reference, who's the one, that when they're home alone, goes upstairs, locks their bedroom door, pulls down the blind and their pants, and then starts dancing to the Jonas brothers?" I was like "Jack does that?" and the ghost was like "Don't bullshit me" "I do that. Sam does that." My cousin just had a baby which is nice, but I'm terrible with babies, I always lose them. The one time I was good with a baby was when I was holding a 6 month old, and me and her didn't break eye contact for 30 straight seconds. When I finally let her down, she just starting crying and screaming….while laying on the train tracks. She actually said her first word right there, she was like "TRAIN!" My friend just came out of the closet but had a clever way of doing it. He got all us guys together and was like "guys, you gotta call my dick dr. pepper now" and I said "why? is it carbonated? does it have 23 flavors? after I swallow will it make me go 'ahhh'?" and he was like "no, it's not for women." "Do you use 'just for men' on your pubes too?" But that inspired me to nickname peoples genitals based on drinks that resemble their notable characteristics. For instance, my dick: Mr. Pibb. Girls I try to hit on: Canada Dry. That girls I went down on last week: Squirt.

Thanks so much again! I really appreciate it A LOT!

/r/Standup Thread