Friend, I have a few things to share:

1) I used to be one of those people. It was by a miracle of God that my eyes were opened. If we think that someone is too far gone for God to be able to redeem them, we are usually very mistaken.

2) you, and I, are no better. We think that it’s vile and it’s shameful and wonder how anyone could possibly do these things. Our sins are not any better in the eyes of God. And even in the eyes of man, there are many people who would say the same of us. God is more than able and willing to forgive you of your struggles too. He knows we’re human. He knows we can’t be perfect. We often feel resentment towards God feeling like we have to somehow be good enough in our own strength, but God knows we aren’t strong enough to do it on our own. He gives us strength to do what we otherwise couldn’t, and grace when we still fall short. And he honors the prayers of the humble. Be honest with God. Tell him how you feel, tell him you’re struggling. And mean it. Ask God for help, he has honored that kind of prayer every single time in my life.

3) Satan’s game is deception. Many people in the occult and new age world are genuinely deceived into thinking they are doing a good thing. I know because I’m surrounded by it and live in a highly secular environment. I see it firsthand. Yes, some of these people are openly selling their soul to the devil and casting curses on people knowing full-well what they’re doing. But much of the new age crowd is driven by people who are just very badly deceived, who think they’re helping people. This is why Satan has got so much of the world wrapped around his finger. Satan doesn’t win by announcing he’s the sith. He wins by pretending to be an angel of light.

I suspect you were badly hurt by one of these people. Someone has had it out to get you and has hurt you in a very personal way, and has made you feel deeply inadequate to fight it. You’re responding out of anger and out of a feeling of total powerlessness. You can’t imagine how you have continued to struggle so much, and yet those who have harmed you still thrive. And it sucks, the world has never been fair and the Christian walk isn’t easy. We aren’t promised justice in this world, and if we expect it, we end up disappointed. God never told us it would be easy. He just told us to persevere and to hold on to the promise of a better place one day.

And I’ve been wrong too. I get it. Hate is never the answer. Think about it, God basically punished himself on our behalf to pay for our sins. When was the last time someone wronged you but you paid the price for it? That’s what God does for us every day. We don’t deserve it. It’s very gracious of Him.

I learned from experience. Resorting to hate will always destroy you from within. People rarely fall on someone else’s sword. Yes, someone can bruise you and push you around, but in the end, we fall on our own swords when we succumb to hate and bitterness. And it won’t be someone’s actions that destroyed us. It will be our own reactions to them that define whether we thrive or fall apart. King Saul wasn’t killed by an arrow from the enemy. King Saul was destroyed by his own hand.

Friend, I’m not going to judge you. You’re obviously going through a lot. You’re trying to do it all in your own strength, you are falling short because you’re human, and then you’re taking that anger out on the people who have harmed you and led you down a bad path, and growing resentful of God but feeling like you’re unable to admit it because it would damn you. Friend, God is more gracious than you think. God despises the proud but gives grace to the humble. Pray to God, and be honest with him. I think you’ll be surprised, God is capable of much more than we think.