I can testify to literally everything you just said. From experience my mom had a job ~70k a year out of college, my dad around 130k. And I and my sister were in daycare for a few years. Due to some circumstances about her job security, my mom became a stay at home mom my last year before pre-school. She always wanted to get back into her field but it is a fast moving field. She has been a stay at home mom ever since (16ish years) wish some attempts to help out the familys financial stituation. Shes tried realty and working at outlet stores.
To get to the point, growing up I myself witnessed what happens in a family with 1 bread winner and a stay at home mom with kids( theres 3 of us). My mom has always controlled the budget/taxes etc, which is hard when you arent the money maker because my dad never understood why he couldnt spend x amount of money when he wanted to or on whatever. Which is understandable, if you are making 170k+ a year( I think thats where he is at , at this point) and still on a tight budget, it sucks.
The reason our family has some financial problems, from what I have understood: Both have college debt, we built our own house (huge expense), 3 car payments and some other things that restrict budgets big time. And now upcoming they are putting 2, soon to be 3 kids through college who cant get financial aid because my dad makes so much but we dont see much of it because of their debt problems.
There IS tension sometimes between my parents and my dad does (sometimes) use the money maker trump card to have a final say. And my dad has to work in a different state just to make sure he is making enough to keep us going.
What I have learned growing up in this (Im 20 now)are a few things 1. My parents are awesome, theyve gone through so much stress and hard work to make my life the best they could 2. I respect everything they have done but if I were them I would have done things different and I will live my life to make sure I dont make those financial mistakes 3. When you have kids if you barely have wiggle room financially when things are going normal then things will get really tight when something comes up. And things come up ALOT.
What I will do that my parents didnt do or couldnt help are: 1. Not have a kid if I cant afford one (too much college debt still, still at an entry level in my career, dont have atleast have a years salary put away). Yeah sometimes you cant help if you had a kid (wrap it up bro) but if you can help, be smart in the timing of your decision to have one. 2. When I do have a kid, start saving immediately for important later in life expenses, college, cars, etc. 3. Not kid related but if/when I get married if my spouse or even I choose to be stay at home, we HAVE to be able to afford it now. AND 20 years from now.
Again not ripping on my parents on how they raised me financially. They had sucky circumstances and they have made the best and I love them to death. OP I hope you take something from my perspective, a child who grew up in circumstances close to yours.