Awh hun -HUGS- I am SO sorry you are struggling, and I suspected you would.
First off, the physical contact with your partner is like a drug. Snuggling up releases all those happy endorphins. It takes 30 days of being apart to break the 'addiction'. Thats when you'll start to feel better, and to get stronger.
When I left mine, I felt physically sick too. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt like throwing up, just wanted things to go back to 'normal'.
But what you have to realize, is that the way you were living IS NOT NORMAL. Nope, not by far. And YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Is he begging you to take him back yet? If he's not, he's actually doing you a favor. I found it so much harder to stay firm when he was begging/pleading/crying/calling me 10 times a day, than I did when he just left me alone.
It got to the point that I told him I would -consider- getting back together if he a) went to therapy b) got a job c) bought me a ring and d) agreed to start trying for a baby (we had been together 8 years at the time)
Now, mind you, I didn't truly mean any of that. I just told him those were my conditions. I knew he would never in 1000 years agree to them, and/or meet them. But it kept him at bay. Every time he called me, wanting to 'meet up' and 'talk about things', I told him that unless he were ready to marry me, we had nothing to talk about. And he always just said "okay, talk to you tomorrow' and hung up. UGH.
You didn't say how your ex was abusive. But I'll share my experiences. I wasn't allowed to have a facebook. (How many guys on there did you fuck!?!) We played on a pool team. Every match, if I played a guy, regardless of age (why did you smile at him? Why did you shake his hand? Do you want to fuck him? Why don't you go home with him?!) It got us kicked off of 3 pool teams in 4 years. Finally, gave up pool. Gave me a hard time any time I wanted to go visit my Mom, because he thought I was going to meet other guys. I could go to work, come home, and that was it.
How about the physical and emotional intimidation. He drank. Every night. When he got drunk, he would interrogate me about my sexual past. He -always- thought I was cheating. He would not hit me, but he would stand over me, screaming and berating me. When he was in a rage, he wouldn't let me sleep, even though he knew I had work in the morning. Many nights, I slept in my office, just to get 4-5 hours sleep. Once, he threatened to toss my kitten outside if I didn't come home. Or to burn my house down. I was isolated from all of my family and friends, either because they knew how he was, and hated to see me like that, or because I was shielding them from seeing it.
Does any of this ring true to you? Is it how you want to live your life? Is he controlling you? What kind of abuse did you live through, if you want to share?
When they leave, it's sooo easy to remember the good times. If a guy was abusive 100% of the time, it would be easy to leave.
But there are these glimpses they give us...of the kind, caring, compassionate, charming person they -could- be. And it's like a drug. We want more. "If only I do x, y and z, he will be like this all of the time! Our relationship would be soooo good!"
But the reality is, he is NOT going to be that person 100% of the time. It's a charade, a facade, they use to suck us back in. And for me, the challenge of getting him to be 'good boyfriend' was like catnip. I'm competetive and stubborn and I love a challenge. Don't get sucked in.
You have been in my thoughts a lot the last 2 days. Stay strong! You can do this, and you deserve so much better!! <3 Feel free to keep writing to me. I found that writing things out felt like therapy, when I was going through it. Thinking of you!