I think this is because it is hard to understand. I have so many times in the past encouraged my husband to make amends with his Mum. 14 years into the relationship I finally see and I am no longer going to encourage him to do anything. I will help support him maintain the relationship that he wants to maintain, but that is the limit. From a position of a normal loving family it is really hard to understand why and how these arguments can occur and why they can't quickly be resolved.

I am still uncertain if my Mum in law is an N, but so much of the stuff mentioned here rings true. I don't think she was abusive as such, but she had an abusive childhood and she has high expectations and it is impossible to meet her demands. She seems to want to be constantly upset or angry. It's hard work knowing her at times.

Currently I don't think my husband is speaking to her as she sent him a nasty email, which stemmed from her finding out that we spent some time with my family. I would love to read that email, and husband kind of suggested he wants me to, but I am being patient and not putting pressure there as he doesn't need me reminding him of it.

I guess my suggestion is that as much as your husband may struggle to understand this, it is hard for you to understand how his thoughts are shaped by his own upbringing. As husband and wife you don't always have to agree, but in time he will understand. In my case it took about 12-13 years to truly get it. Me and my husband both enjoy spending time with his parents, but I now get that just because she is his Mum it doesn't mean he has to encourage the shit he gives him. In my mind life's too short to have arguments, but he really cannot change the way she is, so those arguments will always happen. Just try not to let those arguments affect your relationship with your husband - that's the important relationship.