I don’t want to diminish what you’re going through because I’ve been there more than once. But keep in mind there are real people behind those controls, even in freight trains. I’m pretty sure I found this article when I was having the exact same thoughts. I had never considered how distressing it can be to those conductors.

Fwiw, I talked to my doctor about getting me on an ssri. Best thing I ever did. I was resistant to it for at least a year because of the stigma around being on daily meds for mental health. Then, at some point, I realized that I got in such a bad headspace it was doctor or dead. When you find your right dose, and are there for a while, you look back on everything before and say, “I didn’t know it was that bad, because I didn’t know it can be this good.”

One internet stranger to another, I truly hope you find a way to make it through this in whatever way works for you. Regardless, just know, you’re not alone.