I made a throwaway account for this.

It was during middle school when I came up with nonsense social theories and ideas about what woman wanted. I thought that I was smart at age thirteen, but I was clueless and instead of seeming brilliant I sounded like a lunatic.

At high school I went through a series of family problems. By the end of it I was socially withdrawn in a sense. I think most people using this website relate to feeling awkward or withdrawn. I came more than withdrawn to the point where my face flushed red and I puke my brains out at having greet someone. It's hard making ends meet in this world if you're introverted, let alone seriously crippled by anxiety.

So I became a bum after high school. I was angry all the time, for years. Pick up artists started to become popular back around 06 through 09 - give or take. I thought PUAs were full of crap: These gurus promoted "negging" or putting down women to make them want you more. They also argued for driving your date to venues in order to pressure them...

This was the material being shared on social anxiety support forums a decade ago.

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The incel communities at the time contained some of the nicest people I ever had the great pleasure of knowing. Some of them were academics, early childhood educators, office and construction workers. They shared ideas on how best to discern whether a social worker is capable, dinner recipe ideas for future date nights, hygiene tips and positive affirmations. Two members there married, some turned their lives around, and others were stuck.

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Today things have changed for me in some ways, but became worse in others. I see that incel is an insult used against people who argue with each other on the internet. Incel communities likely involve middle school kids instead of those kinder 30-something year olds. Incel tears involves equally awkward people who take glee in mocking deeply troubled individuals, which is the equivalent of an impotent teenager kicking a defenseless puppy for fun. Some suicide notes attribute incel tears for their deaths after feelings severely antagonized.

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Elsewhere, even in some of the responses here, I see more of the age-old talk about being nice: Niceness is a prerequisite to dating and that we have to offer something more. Well, when I turned my life around, kindness was the single most significant quality in a partner that I looked for. Not everyone is capable of being nice and many people only want to be entertained by a fun partner, rather than seek out an exemplar like Mister Rodgers or Bob Ross. You have to offer a great deal more support than niceness, they'd say.

To me I see these comments as merely a reflection of societies that values productivity over human life, which is a sentiment echoed by our response to the pandemic.