I know this is an old comment, but it resonated with me so much. I've been suffering from depression for nearly as long as I can remember, but I always tried to be outwardly happy and smile and be kind as much as I could. I was young and didn't really know what sexual harassment was, just that I felt gross when the eighteen year old at the library I volunteered at felt up my thigh when I was 13, and that I felt scared when a group of men drunkenly shouted at me on my way home from school. It took me a while to make the connection.

Summer after I turned 17, I was starting uni in a big city and felt happier than I had been in a while. Very quickly learned not to make eye contact with strangers or even smile if I was alone in public. Keep your face dead, look like you're going somewhere, never make eye contact. Never get distracted, never sit somewhere you can get trapped, or something will happen.

After one particular summer of daily street harassment, I snapped and fell into a deep depression. It was convenient because I didn't have to worry about feigning not being happy. I also couldn't go outside by myself without having a panic attack, so I didn't have to worry about staying hyper vigilant for a while.

I recovered enough to function more or less normally after half a year. One day I made the mistake of looking happy on my way to the gym and didn't pay attention, and a stranger followed me and grabbed me inappropriately. It was sunny, at a crowded intersection, at noon. I'm still scared of going to the gym.

Today was the first day in a long time that I walked outside by myself feeling beautiful without feeling anxious. I wore short shorts and a beautiful spring cardigan that fell past the hem, and smiled to myself and admired the flowers I passed by. Nobody cat called me. A few women complimented my outfit. I was only out by myself for an hour, but when I got home with absolutely zero incidences, I was fucking elated.

I really want to have that experience every single day. I want to be able to walk down the street feeling happy without having to worry about my safety or comfort...